ASIAN HONOR & SUICIDE

[A group of Japanese kamikaze pilots bowing during the second world war. Photograph: MPI/Getty Images.]

Suicide has long been a way to preserve your family’s honor in Asia.  This sense of honor by suicide among the Japanese was most evident during the kamikaze pilots of World War Two.  The Japanese saw it as an act of bravery and sacrifice knowing that they would not return alive.  Death was seen as success to the kamikaze as opposed to the shame or disgrace associated with defeat, capture, or surrender.

This tradition of suicide over defeat dates back centuries to feudal Japan when the Japanese Samurai reigned.  The Samurai lived by the Bushidō code, meaning “Way of the Warrior-Knight”, whereby the accepted practice was to follow this code of loyalty and honor until death.  Consequently the Samurai way of glory was through death, thus the long tradition of honor associated with suicide.

Not surprisingly, this view of suicide as a means to preserve your family and culture’s honor still permeates among the Japanese today.  According to the World Health Organization, Japan has the highest suicide rate among Asian countries with more than 30,000 annually in its most recent report.

Taking your life is seen as an honorable way of atoning for public disgrace and expression of one’s deep sense of shame.  However, the climate towards social acceptance of suicide in Japan is changing.  The Japanese government is trying to lower the high suicide rate by enacting laws that levy fines to the families of those who commit suicide as a means to discourage this long-standing practice.  Needless to say, the prevalence of Japanese suicides offers a window to the shame-based pressure by the Asian culture to uphold honor at any cost.

“IF YOU KNEW ME, YOU’D LEAVE ME”

            Asian cultures are rooted in shame.  We are known as a shame-based culture since our lives, families, and mindset revolve around some aspect of shame.  Our identities are forged by upholding our honor while trying to avoid any shame-producing feelings, thoughts, or beliefs.  Few have the courage to break the cultural shame that binds them.  Instead, they suffer in silence.  I should know, as my life was once shackled by shame, hiding and afraid to reveal myself to the world.  I was fearful that if anyone really knew me, they would leave me.  I could not be loved or accepted as is.  I strove to prove to myself and the world that I was “good enough” by trying to excel at school, sports, career, my relationships and with God.  I would never let anyone see my weaknesses, my fears, or my insecurities.  It was the Asian way.  It was the American way.  And for the most part, I thought it was the only way.

           In psychological circles we call this a “false self” because the reality and vitality of life is cut off from the person who refuses to acknowledge any feelings or thoughts that are deemed unacceptable to him or his culture.  The false self is a defense and construct needed to protect the ego for countless millions of people who strive to earn their way to approval and acceptance in humanity.  Unless it is confronted and torn down, the individual will stay locked in an emotional prison that will stifle his soul from the freedom that craves to be released from bondage.

Part of my work as a therapist now is to help clients tap into their neglected emotional world.  It’s analogous to a personal trainer helping clients with exercise.  In therapy, the neglected “muscles” being worked are the emotions that a person learned in childhood that were deemed unacceptable and shameful: rage, grief, helplessness, envy, grief, sadness, fear, and sexuality.  Given enough time, a child in this environment will learn to associate certain feelings with shame.  This deep-seated feeling of shame is pernicious for it will attempt to choke the child into feeling bad, defective, and unlovable when these feelings are aroused later in adulthood.  To keep these feelings under control, shame-bound individuals are likely to turn to addictive behaviors as addictions temporarily ward off unpleasant feelings by altering one’s mood.

“AGE IS A FACTOR!”

Dear Sam,

I’m a little confused. Or not really. Maybe I’m crazy?
 Anyway I was in an online/long distance relationship with my ex boyfriend for five years.  We met when I was 14 and he told me he was 20ish at the time.  I’m 19 now and a year ago I found out he is much older than he said he was 35.
  I broke up with him and then took him back because the age thing wasn’t really a factor in why I fell for this guy.  I met him in person back in February for the first time and we had a great time together and I even lost my virginity to him.  We could talk about normal things and he didn’t just want sex from me.  He really respected me and loved me.  There were times that I would ask myself if he could be married or have kids but I just figured if he didn’t, why would he waste so much time talking to me.
  We always talked about the future and how he didn’t want to hold me back and that I should go out and get the college experience with other guys and whatnot but I told him I didn’t want anyone else so I stayed with him.  I went to visit him a few weeks ago and it was the best time of my life.  I told him I could see myself moving to be with him and spending the rest of my life with him.
  During Thanksgiving break I went back home and I had planned this date a few weeks before I visited my boyfriend and I went on the date and things happened.  The new guy and I hooked up but afterwards I cried about it and even though it may sound silly to cry, I didn’t cry because the guy made me cry.  It was because I realized how much I loved my boyfriend and I couldn’t believe that I had just cheated on him.  I’ve tried being with someone else before but I could never be intimate with them because of my boyfriend.  I ended up telling him and we concluded that we should break up and I should just do my own thing.
  It’s only been a week since the break up but I can’t stop thinking about how badly I hurt him and how much I want things to go back to the way they were.  I talked to him over the phone a few days ago and asked if we could just be friends because I wasn’t ready to let go of him so fast yet.  He told me maybe after we’ve had some time apart then probably.  I miss him so much and my friends tell me that it’s for the best that this happened and I don’t really love him, but how would they know if they’re not in my shoes?
  I’m trying to move on because maybe it would be good that I be with someone else and not with someone who lives so far away and also 17 years older than me.  It’s just really hard, though.  A lot happened between us and I just threw it away so suddenly.
  I don’t really have a specific question but maybe there’s some advice you can give me about this whole situation?

Wow, you shared a lot so thanks for giving me the privilege to offer my insight into your situation.  First off, your friends are trying to be helpful (but they’re not) by saying things like, “It’s the best thing to happen to you” or “You didn’t really love him” when in reality, you did love him and that this break-up does feels like the worst thing to happen to you.  So let’s start by validating those feelings of loss and grief.

Since your relationship was primarily via emails, phone calls, or text messages, some people would scoff at the idea of calling this a “real relationship”.  But the truth is these relationships require even more intimacy muscles since you couldn’t see each other.  The relationship had to be built within the context of conversations, caring, and support.

You obviously feel bad for cheating on him but there’s a sense you may be taking on extra guilt by worrying over how much you “hurt” him.  Stop that.  You’re not responsible for his feelings.  He’s a grown man and will handle those feelings and issues on his own.  Speaking of which, this leads me to the real issue in this relationship.  Age.  He’s a grown man who’s 17 years older than you?!

You say age isn’t a factor in why you “fell for this guy”.  Maybe not, but I believe age was a factor in why he chose you.  Let me explain.  When you first met, you were 14 and he was 31.  He deliberately chose someone underage to talk to.  Why is that?  Well, he has experience, you do not.  He has been in adult relationships, you have not.  He knows the world, you do not.  He has the power and control, you do not.  His actions early on were all part of what’s known as “grooming” (Definition: to prepare, as for a specific position or purpose).  He was grooming you to trust him.  He was grooming you to have sex with him.  Don’t you find it unusual that it took until you were at least 18 before there was any sexual contact?  He’s no idiot, he knows the law.  If he had sex with you earlier, he would’ve put himself in jeopardy of going to prison for a sex offense.

Sadly, this is a case where he groomed you to get what he wanted.  As part of his grooming process, he lied to you.  He lied to you for four years about his age.  For four years he lied to you.  Let that sink in.  He lied to you.  He lied to you for a reason.  If he told the truth, you may have ran or called the cops.  After four years of emotional and now physical intimacy, you defend him.  You don’t know it yet but you were taken advantage of emotionally and sexually.

I’m not sure if your parents know about this but I’d start by reaching out to older people you could trust and share your story.  If not your parents, think other parents in your community, female teachers, counselors, relatives, or church leaders. You need to be protected not only from this guy but from others who may try and prey on your youth and naiveté.  I pray you find not only comfort through this experience but also wisdom so you are not manipulated again in the future.

“SEXLESS IN THE CITY”

Dear Sam,

My boyfriend and I have been together for a little more than 2 years and are literally soulmates.  We laugh and talk and never tire of each other’s company, but we’ve only had sex 4 times in 2 years.

He says he’s not a very sexual person, and in the beginning I was ok with that but lately I’m feeling more and more rejected.  Every time I’ve tried to talk to him about it, he gets upset or defensive and we inevitably break up for a few days.

He says he loves me and is attracted to me but he is less and less effusive and sometimes when I say, “I love you”, he just smiles and says, “I know”.  I love him more than anyone I’ve ever been with and want to spend the rest of my life with him.  I’m starting to wonder if there isn’t something more going on?  I’m ready to take this to the next level and get married but he isn’t ready now and doesn’t know when he will be.  Do you think I should leave him?

-”Sexless in the City”

Dear “Sexless in the City”,

While on the surface it sounds like sex is the issue, we can clearly see it is not.  This has everything to do with emotional intimacy or in your boyfriend’s case, the lack of it.  There’s no desire on his part to help you understand what’s in his head.  Could there be something going on?  Sure, he could be cheating on you, addicted to porn, or a whole host of other reasons for his sexual anorexic behavior.

But let’s not put too much focus on sex as often people confuse sex and the intensity of sex with true intimacy and love.  You’re torn because you feel you’re “soul mates” yet he doesn’t share the same values of commitment, monogamy, and a life-long relationship with you.  I believe “soul mates” have that at the very least.

My big concern is you have a boyfriend who’s unwilling to verbally acknowledge, reciprocate, or initiate his love for you.  You shouldn’t be the one always telling him, “I love you”.  It appears he’s playing you.  When he says, “I know”, that should be taken literally.  He knows you love him, need him, and are dependent on him.  He is using your emotional dependence as a form of manipulation and control.

It sounds like taking a longer break may be in order to give you a better barometer on the relationship.  I believe breaks are healthy to allow partners to come back down to equilibrium, learn to stand on their own two feet, and then decide if they still want to be together.  You must choose this relationship not because it’s based on a “need” but on a “want”.

He knows you “need” this relationship so you should ask yourself if you can move ahead with a guy who’s not interested in getting married (at least not now with you).  A mentor once shared this pearl of wisdom with me about relationships.  He posed it in a question.  Basically it was to the effect of, “If this woman never changed for the rest of her life, would you still be with her?”  In your case, if your partner  never wanted to get married, tell you he loves you, and isn’t able to meet your relational and emotional needs, would you still be with him?  This is ultimately the question you need to ask yourself in deciding whether to leave him.

“HOOKED UP, NOW WHAT?!”

Dear Sam,

I went out a couple times with a girl and we’ve hooked up so I’m not sure what it means.  She’s no longer texting or calling me as much and I feel we went too fast. What should I do?  

“Hooked-Up”

Dear “Hooked-Up”,

It sounds like you like her and want to continue seeing her but are wondering if you jeopardized the relationship by letting your hormones get the best of you.  She’s now withdrawing either because you moved too quickly or she’s no longer interested or maybe a combination of both.

I could psychoanalyze why she’s doing what she’s doing all day but why waste time?  The best advice would be to call her and talk about it.  What a concept, huh?  Talk.  Texting is not allowed here!

While you’re getting information from her, this is also an opportunity for you to grow relationally.  You could be honest and tell her as you’ve told me that you feel, “it went too fast” and see how she felt about it.  You could tell her you’d like to continue seeing her and then see what she thinks about that.  Since the situation sounds tenuous I would caution against showing any more of your “cards”.  Anything that smacks of, “let’s be boyfriend & girlfriend” may scare her away.  Remember, she’s already a bit wary of you, why give her another reason to kiss you good-bye?