ASIAN HONOR & SUICIDE

[A group of Japanese kamikaze pilots bowing during the second world war. Photograph: MPI/Getty Images.]

Suicide has long been a way to preserve your family’s honor in Asia.  This sense of honor by suicide among the Japanese was most evident during the kamikaze pilots of World War Two.  The Japanese saw it as an act of bravery and sacrifice knowing that they would not return alive.  Death was seen as success to the kamikaze as opposed to the shame or disgrace associated with defeat, capture, or surrender.

This tradition of suicide over defeat dates back centuries to feudal Japan when the Japanese Samurai reigned.  The Samurai lived by the Bushidō code, meaning “Way of the Warrior-Knight”, whereby the accepted practice was to follow this code of loyalty and honor until death.  Consequently the Samurai way of glory was through death, thus the long tradition of honor associated with suicide.

Not surprisingly, this view of suicide as a means to preserve your family and culture’s honor still permeates among the Japanese today.  According to the World Health Organization, Japan has the highest suicide rate among Asian countries with more than 30,000 annually in its most recent report.

Taking your life is seen as an honorable way of atoning for public disgrace and expression of one’s deep sense of shame.  However, the climate towards social acceptance of suicide in Japan is changing.  The Japanese government is trying to lower the high suicide rate by enacting laws that levy fines to the families of those who commit suicide as a means to discourage this long-standing practice.  Needless to say, the prevalence of Japanese suicides offers a window to the shame-based pressure by the Asian culture to uphold honor at any cost.

“IF YOU KNEW ME, YOU’D LEAVE ME”

            Asian cultures are rooted in shame.  We are known as a shame-based culture since our lives, families, and mindset revolve around some aspect of shame.  Our identities are forged by upholding our honor while trying to avoid any shame-producing feelings, thoughts, or beliefs.  Few have the courage to break the cultural shame that binds them.  Instead, they suffer in silence.  I should know, as my life was once shackled by shame, hiding and afraid to reveal myself to the world.  I was fearful that if anyone really knew me, they would leave me.  I could not be loved or accepted as is.  I strove to prove to myself and the world that I was “good enough” by trying to excel at school, sports, career, my relationships and with God.  I would never let anyone see my weaknesses, my fears, or my insecurities.  It was the Asian way.  It was the American way.  And for the most part, I thought it was the only way.

           In psychological circles we call this a “false self” because the reality and vitality of life is cut off from the person who refuses to acknowledge any feelings or thoughts that are deemed unacceptable to him or his culture.  The false self is a defense and construct needed to protect the ego for countless millions of people who strive to earn their way to approval and acceptance in humanity.  Unless it is confronted and torn down, the individual will stay locked in an emotional prison that will stifle his soul from the freedom that craves to be released from bondage.

Part of my work as a therapist now is to help clients tap into their neglected emotional world.  It’s analogous to a personal trainer helping clients with exercise.  In therapy, the neglected “muscles” being worked are the emotions that a person learned in childhood that were deemed unacceptable and shameful: rage, grief, helplessness, envy, grief, sadness, fear, and sexuality.  Given enough time, a child in this environment will learn to associate certain feelings with shame.  This deep-seated feeling of shame is pernicious for it will attempt to choke the child into feeling bad, defective, and unlovable when these feelings are aroused later in adulthood.  To keep these feelings under control, shame-bound individuals are likely to turn to addictive behaviors as addictions temporarily ward off unpleasant feelings by altering one’s mood.

“Yellow on the Outside, Shame on the Inside”

In the Asian culture, the concept of shame and honor are inextricably tied together.  It’s like the Yin and the Yang.  They co-exist together so to fully grasp and appreciate Asian shame, we need to understand this tension.  Honor and upholding honor in our culture is paramount.  You learn honor early on from your parents that everything we do is predicated on bringing honor to our families such as getting good grades, going to college, getting a good-paying job, getting married, and having obedient kids (repeat cycle).  But what happens when you cannot live up to your family or culture’s expectations of success?  What if you go through experiences that are not honorable or proud for your family, what then?  When you feel you’ve let down not only yourself and your immediate family but also your ancestors, and your entire culture, and can’t talk about them, it inevitably leads to shame.

Shame is a perverse and distorted belief that we are bad and inherently unworthy of love.  Consequently when you feel shame, you feel you deserve to be persecuted, punished, and tormented. This is a shame that seeps into our veins and courses through our very being.  This deep sense of rejection, humiliation, failure and embarrassment penetrates our core and robs us of life.  We come to view our entire self as flawed, defective, unworthy, and ultimately unlovable.

This sense of shame can come from a myriad of life events or experiences such as having a physical deformity, getting poor grades in school, displaying “negative” emotions such as anger or sadness, being scolded or criticized repeatedly in childhood, struggles with addictions (i.e. gambling, alcohol/drugs, sex, etc.), losing your home, going bankrupt, getting divorced-all can lead to this catch-all sense of being “less than” or “not good enough”.

For myself, this sense of obligation and responsibility to bring honor to the family was even stronger growing up as the oldest son.  I was the one responsibly to pass this sense of honor down to the future generations.  And as a first generation Asian-American, the expectation to succeed in this new land only made the burden heavier.  When I stepped out into the American world of education, career, or marriage, I felt the weight of my culture following me along.  But the weight of failed expectations would’ve crushed me had I not reached out for help.

Back in 2003, I hit what I’d descrbie as my “rock bottom”.  I lost my marriage and my job as a t.v. reporter in Los Angeles.  Everything I had worked so hard to achieve was gone.  I experienced a “shattered dream”, not just an individual dream but the collective dream of my parents and grandparents.  Insecurities and fears exploded and swirled inside me when my personal and professional life collapsed.  The emotions paralyzed me.  The gut-wrenching fear of being rejected had been realized.  I was tormented beyond belief.  I had lost more than a marriage or a job.  I had lost the meaning to life because I had lost the honor of my family.  The shame of letting down my family, my community, and my ancestors.  It was a shame that wracked my soul.

But the blessing from my divorce and job loss is that it forced me to acknowledge the pain within while working on issues of intimacy, shame, loss, disappointment and other family dynamics that were never explored.  Eventually through my own time in therapy, I emerged with a new lens from which to see life.  The shadow of shame had been lifted.  It’s this new-found experience of intimacy both with God and with my fellow man that launched me into my career as a psychotherapist today.

DATING FOR ASIAN-AMERICANS: A CULTURAL CONUNDRUM

Dating is hard enough as it is but dating in an Asian-American context is made even more difficult because of our culture. Asians pride themselves on their marriages, families, children, and continuation of the family lineage. Despite this obsession on fostering marriage, kids, and culture, I find it striking that most Asian parents never discuss dating thoroughly with their children. Sure they may tell you not to date until you’re “old enough” or “have a good job” but other than that, most Asian-Americans enter the dating world with a limited understanding of dating, relationships, and the process of discernment needed to find a good mate.

Because Asian families are so skewed towards the promotion of marriage and children they rarely discuss the crucial period of singlehood and what’s needed to develop there before you launch into the dating scene. Many view singleness as simply the time served to look for a spouse/partner. This is where single people need to re-examine their thoughts on singlehood.

Some past clients would ask in bewilderment to their behavior of girlfriend/boyfriend hopping (i.e. “I don’t know why I am always jumping from one person to another?”). It’s simple, they don’t like being single. They have yet to realize how important it is to not only learn how to handle the anxiety of being single but also to recognize the purpose of singlehood.
Singlehood is not a time where you’re waiting to find someone. Singlehood is the precious time you should devote to finding yourself. You must develop yourself during singlehood or you will lose yourself in a relationship. This is the one opportunity in life where you can truly explore your interests, values, and personal convictions in life. What are your hobbies? Do you prefer a sedentary or active lifestyle? Outside of work, what other organizations or causes do you want to support? How are you connected to your community? Do you have any spiritual or religious values? The strength of a relationship will ultimately hinge on the foundation of who you are as a person separate from your career or your relationship with your partner. You must examine yourself and find your values in life otherwise the core of your being will be missing not only to yourself but to your significant other. How can you ask someone to love you for who you are when you don’t even know who you are?

Some Asian families raise the stakes so high when their children are dating that they see it only from a “success” or “failure” stand-point. We must change this. Dating should be seen as an opportunity to get to know someone and learn something new from another person. If it doesn’t work out, then we should see that as a “success” because now you know what works for you and what doesn’t, as painful as it may be.

Another important question to ask yourself while dating is, “Can this person be my good friend?” If so, then you may have found a great catch. Don’t let the American culture of romanticized love fool you into getting involved in a relationship where the two of you “look good together” but have no friendship to sustain the relationship. On a similar note, physical attraction is important but keep in mind that a relationship built on a foundation of physical intimacy is just one component of love. Don’t ever forget the need for emotional or spiritual intimacy.

(Note: Details in this blog have been changed to protect the privacy of the individuals involved)

WHO AM I?

“To dare is to lose one’s footing momentarily. Not to dare is to lose oneself.” -Soren Kierkegaard/Danish Philosopher

The challenge of life is in the hard work of discovering ourselves. The question, “Who am I?” usually crops up after someone encounters a major crisis such as a job loss, divorce, or death of a loved one. Others ask because they can feel a nagging unrest from within their souls. The ache and yearning to find their true self can no longer be suppressed.

If you’re Asian-American, you may first have to drown in your success before you ask this question to yourself. Only after realizing you’re more than your career, family, or possessions does this search begin. But it’s made more difficult if you’re Asian since your schooling and family most likely did not encourage self-discovery, curiosity, or learning for learning’s sake. You were not praised to question, probe, or critique authority figures such as parents, teachers, pastors, or other leaders. Instead you were asked to simply memorize and obey. But in doing so, you may have sacrificed your free will to the influence and minds of others thus stifling your courage, imagination, and resourcefulness.

The first step towards answering, “Who am I” is learning how to listen to and find your own independent streams of thought. Some of you may want to move into a different career, others may want out of a relationship, or maybe there’s a general malaise with life. This is normal. In fact, if you’re seriously questioning moving in a new direction, there should be some level of grief and anxiety over the potential loss of your old self. But take heart because this type of loss can be accompanied by a re-birth marked by renewal, growth, and empowerment.

For myself, I endured the loss of both my marriage and my career as a t.v. journalist several years ago and was confronted with that very question of “Who am I?” From that devastating experience, I gained an unquenchable thirst to understand healthy relationships. The search brought me closer to my Asian heritage and a newfound understanding and appreciation of both the strengths and the weaknesses of Asian relational dynamics. It also forced me to risk more relationally by building a new support system of friends who could offer me their encouragement, support, and care through this crisis. I joined a men’s support group, went to relationship workshops, and found my own counselor.

For yourself, you will have to look at your own life journey and evaluate what you want changed for the future. You will need to courageously discern “life-draining” people and activities and replace them with “life-giving” alternatives. It may mean cutting off mediocre friendships that offer nothing more than security for you. It may mean having the strength to tell your boss you deserve a raise. It may mean being more vulnerable in your current relationship with a partner by exposing more of your thoughts despite the possibility of rejection.

We all have different needs and desires so what’s important in answering, “Who am I” is a deep understanding of what really moves you and the fearless conviction to move boldly in that direction.

How Asian Families breed Asian Shame

The antecedents of shame start with the family. While no family deliberately sets out to create a fertile, breeding ground for shame, it exists because of generational patterns. Patterns and rules of communication are passed down from one generation to the next. These rules govern stability in the family and any attempt to change these rules will be attacked and crushed.

In many Asian households, the individual is sacrificed for the sake of harmony and cooperation of the group (i.e. the family). This unhealthy relational dynamic manifests itself in 2 major rules:

1) No talking rule

Talking is limited to superficial matters (i.e. events, facts, weather, grades, sports, etc.). Anything pertaining to thoughts, concerns, desires, feelings and needs are suppressed so that harmony can exist in the family.

2) No feeling rule

Family members are not allowed to express anger, sadness, fear, disappointment or other “negative” emotions. Ironically, this is seen as a way to help children cope. Parents believe by not talking about “negative” feelings they are doing a service to their children. Unfortunately, when emotions are buried, it’s like a volcano slowly building up pressure until it one day erupts, causing catastrophic damage.

Asian parents do great psychological harm to their children when children are not allowed to express themselves. But even allowing for expression is not enough. The emotions must be encouraged, nurtured, and worked through in the form of allowing the child to talk and having the parent ask and give appropriate feedback.

Think about a child who cries out in panic because he fears his mom doesn’t want him. If the terror-striken child is allowed to cry but his fears of abandonment are not assuaged, the child learns subconsciously that his mother/father doesn’t care about him and that he must fend for himself in this world.

If a boy comes home sad and distraught because he’s been teased, bullied, or beat up at school and his parents do not ask him about his day or notice his sense of dejection, this will only add to the boy’s internal feeling that he’s “unwanted” or “worthless”.

Whether parents directly tell children not to cry or be sad or indirectly do so through neglect, the message is the same. Children internalize that emotions are “bad” and by having them they are “bad”.

In addition to feelings/emotions, shame can also be linked to needs and desires. Basic human needs such as the need for human touch, the need for relationship, the need for personal interaction with our loved ones, and the need for affirmation can be thwarted in childhood. When Asian parents do not display signs of affection (i.e. no hugging, no pats on back), do not give positive verbal affirmation, and do not talk to their children individually (i.e. getting to know their hearts, their desires, their likes/dislikes), these children will seek solace elsewhere. Whether it’s in a romantic relationship, drugs/alcohol, obsession with gambling, spending, sex, or food, their drive to meet these core needs of intimacy will be insatiable. It’s an emotional black hole they won’t be able to fill, leaving many empty, alone, afraid, and hopeless.

What is Shame?

So what exactly is shame?  Is it the same feeling as guilt?  People often use shame and guilt interchangeably but there is a distinction between the two that needs to be recognized if we are to understand the life-draining consequences of shame.

Shame is not easy to describe.  We dare not confuse it with guilt.  Guilt is healthy because it tells us what mistakes we need to correct and leads us to think of ways to rebuild ourselves and our relationships with others, including God. 

Shame on the other hand is a perverse and distorted belief that we are bad, that we are inherently unworthy of love.  Consequently when you feel shame, instead of wanting to be corrected, you feel you deserve to be persecuted, punished, and tormented.  A “bad” idea or behavior leads you to feeling you deserve God’s punishment.

When someone feels guilty for a thought or behavior, it’s usually a feeling of remorse that’s directed outwardly or person-centered.  You are thinking about how you have impacted another person’s thoughts and feelings.  But shame on the other hand is self-centered.  It’s an internal feeling that’s directed at attacking your own soul.  You berate yourself.  You feel worthless and bad as a person.  Given enough time, if a person internalizes shame and can’t distinguish it from guilt, the damage is devastating like a cancer spreading through one’s entire self.

In essence, guilt is our conscience telling us that we may have failed and moves us to change whereas shame keeps us locked in a cycle of self-absorption, punishment, and soul-killing.