Why women “test” men

A woman in a relationship with a man, especially early on, will “test” him to see if he can draw a boundary for himself. It may come off as an innocuous joke or teasing but there’s usually an unconscious motive behind this. The reason for the testing is because a healthy woman wants a man strong enough to defend himself when being emotionally attacked by a woman. If he can not do this, he fails the test and unconsciously the woman loses respect for the man. She may still stay in the relationship with him but deep in her heart, there’s a grave disappointment that her man can not be the leader in the relationship she so desires.

No matter how sweet or caring a woman is, the testing is bound to come up. It’s just part of her genetic make-up. Men are born to protect women physically but many forget they must also protect them emotionally. If a man can not defend himself emotionally with a woman, the woman will feel threatened and lose respect for the man. An inability to stand up for yourself under attack and draw healthy boundaries sends a clear message to the woman of your lack of strength. If you’re willing to risk losing her approval or even the entire relationship when provoked, that becomes very attractive to her because a woman realizes your security is not in the relationship. But if a man needs to be loved so much to the point where he can’t stand up for himself, then it becomes clear to the woman that he can not defend himself against her. If that’s the case, then she wonders how is he to defend the relationship if it is threatened in the outside world.

I’ve known men who failed these “tests” primarily out of their upbringing to be “nice” guys. But in their efforts to be “nice”, they never address the underlying issue of disrespect that crops up in their relationships.

One guy I knew took a girl out for her birthday and bought her flowers. When he picked her up and gave her the flowers, she immediately told him, “My ex was more romantic than you!”. I asked him how he responded and he told me he didn’t say anything. Obviously this is an extreme example of a woman dissing a guy but there are countless examples of more subtle ways women do this all in the name of assessing if she can RESPECT a man or not. Bottome line: It’s critical if you’re a guy to remember that garnering a woman’s RESPECT is the linchpin in the success of your relationship.

Why girls like “bad” boys?

People say women like “bad boys” and I’d have to say there’s truth to that claim. But is this to say you can’t be nice and be with a good woman? Hardly. In fact, nice guys can finish first if they learn what the level of attraction is to a “bad” boy. Bad boys aren’t necessarily jerks who act maliciously to their women. But what they have learned is that women need men with strength. Too many “nice” guys in their attempts to be cordial and polite never learn to say no. They can’t stand up for themselves at work, in public, or with women. This is a major relational problem. If a man can not speak his mind even at the cost of upsetting the relationship, then most women can’t respect that. If a woman can’t respect a man, there’s not much chance she’ll choose this type of guy.

It comes down to protection. Men are built to lead and protect the family. If he can not emotionally stand up for himself and confront his girlfriend or spouse when he feels disrespected, then this woman will learn that her approval is what the man seeks most. If that’s the case, she will not feel protected in this relationship and over time the respect will erode to the point of one side controlling a weak and dependent man craving for a woman’s affirmation.

A lot of guys need to step up and grow a pair. Some may need counseling to work out the loss of a secure attachment with their mothers. Some may need to connect with an older female figure to get the maternal nurturing they lost in childhood. But what they shouldn’t do is to try and seek that female approval with a woman who’s supposed to be their equal. A spouse or girlfriend should be a partner not a man’s mother. They should not be dependent on women for their emotional sense of security. A man needs to find his security from within and from God otherwise we risk raising a generation of young men with purposeless lives hungering for outside approval.

WHEN DOES A GUY BECOME A MAN??

How do you know when you’re a man? I wish I could say it’s when you hit a certain age or reach a certain milestone such as getting a stable job or even marriage but those are poor barometers of measuring manhood.

Because we live in a society where males are left to do most of this on our own, it’s no wonder there are so many guys who are unsure what it means to be a man.

One of my former psychology professors is from Kenya and he talks about the rites of passage where adolescent boys spend anywhere from 2 weeks to 2 years away from home, surrounded by men. These men help initiate the boys into manhood through rituals, stories, and physical and emotional challenges. My professor spoke about the need for boys to separate from their mothers and all women in general for a period of time so that when they return to be with a woman, they would have learned some much needed advice about manhood.

In America, most of us guys spend all of our single lives chasing women or being with women. As a result, we do not recognize the necessity to deliberately detach from our need for a woman and surround ourselves with older men to instruct us in the ways of life and the world.

For myself, I spent more than a year meeting with older men on a weekly basis. This was the most instrumental time of my life. It was in the context of being with these men that I began to experience true masculinity. These men were able to share and be open with each other. Then gave me a glimpse of what happened to their failed relationships due to their ineffective ways of relating to women and were determined to correct them. These guys wept, got angry, were disappointed, and challenged me to confront my own emotional wounds and scars. Through this time, I learned that in order for me to grow into manhood, I would need a paradigm shift from my old ways of thinking and communicating. As a result, I decided to discover the God-given emotions I had within me and explore the depths of my heart which had been concealed from others as well as myself.

To sum up…if you’re a single guy…there are 2 questions in life we need to ask ourselves:

1) Where am I going?

2) Who will go with me?

Remember, if you get these questions out of order, you’re in trouble…to be a man we need to find our direction first and then look for a partner afterwards. And this direction is more than your career path. It’s the unique journey which God has placed before you. Because it is unique to each person, he be courageous enough to search his heart to find that calling. If you don’t have that calling then you risk looking for that sense of direction/approval/affirmation from a woman.

I know this to be true because it happened to me once. I thought I had found “the one” and that with her help and support she would point me in the right direction. It didn’t work because I became dependent on her for guidance and never learned to lead in the relationship. That painful loss is why I now implore men to embark on their own journey of self-discovery, so that you can hear God’s call in your life and take action!

Being “nice” vs. earning “respect”

So many men & women go through life trying to be “nice”.  They don’t want to be labelled as “controlling” so they turn into people pleasers.  Unfortunately in the dating world, this is a set-up for disaster.

To a certain degree, many of us consciously or unconsciously “test” our significant others to see if they have the strength to disagree with us and/or stand-up for themselves.  Women especially need their men to have the courage to stick to their convictions even if it’s at odds with her beliefs or desires.  The foundation of R-E-S-P-E-C-T is laid on multiple layers of tests.

Same is true from the guy’s side.  The first big test that men make is usually the physical test.  They will test the woman to see if she can resist his physical/sensual advances.  If this is accomplished the woman earns a degree of “respect”.

But there are other tests of “respect” that most women never realize are being done to them.  When a guy forces you to pay for a meal early in the dating relationship (i.e. dates #1, 2, or 3), it’s a sign of disrespect.

When a guy promises to be at a certain place or time with you and is showing a pattern of tardiness, it’s a sign of disrespect.

How long will a woman tolerate this type of treatment?  Well, if she’s “nice” she may not say anything.  But if she values her respect more than anything else, she will let the man know in a respectful manner that his behavior will not be tolerated in a relationship.

My writings may appear more biased towards protecting women but that’s not neccesarily the case.  I’d love to work more with men but most men refuse to get relational advice from men.  As a result, I must teach women how to recognize and avoid dysfunctional male patterns no matter how charming they appear.