Harmless Flirt or Harmful Behavior?

Dear Sam:

My very serious, live-in boyfriend had what I consider to be inappropriate, sex-related chats with his most recent ex early in our relationship and again while we were going through a really rough patch a few months ago. He has mentioned once or twice since we moved past the rough patch that he hopes to go visit her at some point in the future (he would spend at least one night on her couch), and that he wants me to be okay with this and trust him.

I don’t see how I’ll ever be okay with this. It hurt me deeply when I found out about these chats and he has barely acknowledged that it was wrong of him in any way, referring to it as “harmless flirting” and claiming they’d never follow through on anything.

Is this something I have to just get over?  Do I insist on being introduced to her first?  Is this an even more serious breach of trust than I’d been considering it, and should I attempt to make him see that?

-Hurt by Flirt

Dear Hurt by Flirt,

I empathize with your tough situation as your heart is obviously for this guy.  Unfortunately, there’s no such thing as “harmless flirting” with an ex.  Flirting by its definition is meant to tease, arouse, and attract attention.  The LAST thing you want to do is get introduced to the ex.  The FIRST thing you should do is set clear boundaries with your bf on what are non-negotiables in your relationship.  I think a fair and respectful boundary is to ask him to not sleep at the ex’s and to cease and desist from all sexual flirting/chatter.  It’s DISRESPECTFUL to you.  He intuitively knows it but is testing you.  If he agrees great but from the sounds of it, he won’t and will only balk at your request.

You mentioned he’s a live-in boyfriend.  I’m not sure if he’s living with you or you moved in with him.  But in either case, I think a separation will soon be in order if he can’t abide by this request.  You must remember you deserve better treatment than this.  It’s your inability to establish strong boundaries that allows him to take advantage of you.  Don’t put up with his flirting anymore or you’ll spend more time in mental anguish.  It’s time to end the flim-flamming from the flirt!

“Should I Stay or Should I Go?”

Darling you got to let me know

Should I stay or should I go?

If you say that you are mine

I’ll be here till the end of time

So you got to let me know

Should I stay or should I go?

“Should I Stay or Should I Go?”  By The Clash (1982) 

There comes a point during a serious dating relationship when we have to ask ourselves this very question, “Should I stay or should I go?”  Oftentimes, it’s because one side is less sure of the relationship than you are, yet not sure enough to end the relationship.  However when you’re beset by your partner’s ambivalence then it’s only natural for you to also wonder about staying our leaving.

This song is a poignant reminder of the tension that arises when a couple reaches that mark.  If there’s enough assurance of a partner’s commitment or in some cases a recommitment to the relationship, then it can be the catalyst for a couple flourishing into a long-lasting relationship.  If your partner can’t give you the commitment you need, then that may be the answer to your question of, “Should I stay or should I go?” 

“TRUST”

“You can’t connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future.” –the late Steve Jobs

     Trust.  The word embodies everything in a relationship, yet conveys nothing about its complexity.  The word itself is easy to utter, yet the task itself can be overwhelming when confronted with the unknown.  What will the future hold?  How can I “trust” that it will turn out ok?  How do I know this is the “right” decision?  The stress and anxiety of making the “wrong” decision can seem paralyzing.  So what’s the solution?  Paradoxically, those who are in recovery know that trust is ultimately about surrender, surrendering and letting go of your will to control the outcome.  But how do you do this if you haven’t learned this skill before?  How do you take this leap of faith?  The truth is, you must take that leap of faith and in so doing, you will have crossed the threshold of surrender, which ultimately marks the beginning of your journey towards trust.

Starting Over

“We must be willing to get rid of the life we’ve planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us. The old skin has to be shed before the new one can come.”


-Joseph Campbell

You never imagined you’d be here.  You’ve met others in your position but at the time “they” were the ones who were in recovery and needed help, not you.  But now, it’s your time.  You realize your life has been forever altered and will never be the same.  You must start over but you can’t stop thinking about the hurt, pain, and anguish you’re experiencing.  It’s as if you’re heart is as tender as a newborn baby’s skin, vulnerable to the slightest wound.  How do you protect yourself?  How do you move forward?  Where do you go?  Who will help you?  Where do you even begin?

As your mind is flooded with thoughts of shame and disappointment and your heart is pounding in abject panic, fear, and loss, the first place to begin in recovery is acknowledging these feelings.  Recognize they are there.  Don’t deny them, but accept them.  We dare say, even embrace them.

Getting to “FBO” (Facebook Official)

In the era of Facebook, men and women in the dating world are often not satisfied until their relationships are “FBO” or  ”Facebook Official”.  But before you can get to FBO, you must be officially boyfriend/girlfriend.  This means getting your dating partner to make an exclusive commitment to you.

It seems simple enough but I’m surprised by how many people are not aware of the DTR principle.  DTR stands for “defining the relationship”.  If you’re an adult in the dating relationship, you’re doomed to fail if you’re fearful of the dtr.  With clients I’ve worked with, if they do not dtr the relationship, they end up either in the platonic friend zone or if they’ve been sexual with each other can end up in the “friends with benefits” category.  The timing of the dtr talk is critical.  In this hook-up culture, young men and women have no concept of what it takes to be in a committed, exclusive relationship.  They think if they have sex, then they presume they’re in a relationship and are shocked, hurt, and confused when sex meant nothing to the other party than mere pleasure.

To understand how sex and commitment are tied together, we can look at the major religious traditions (i.e. Jewish, Christian, and Islamic faith).  In all three faiths, sex comes within the context of a marital commitment.  So as recently as our parents’ generation, the social mores of our culture dictated that people got married so they could have sex regardless of their religious background.  But in this hook-up culture where we have “friends with benefits”, you can see how the devolution of relationships has relegated sex to nothing more than a physical activity devoid of intimacy, trust, and safety within the context of any type of commitment.

So what does this mean if you don’t come from any religious background or faith tradition?  Clients feel its prudish to ask about a commitment before sex as they feel they might be “offending” the person or pressuring them into a relationship.  Why talk about it?  Why ask for a commitment?  Why make the other person uncomfortable?  It’s essential because without doing so you’ll never see how he/she feels about the relationship.

So the typical client who wants help in this area usually is a woman who had sex before requiring a commitment.  As she continues her sexual relationship, she gets more frustrated hoping the guy will bring it up.  She forgets that very few men will make a commitment to a woman whom they do not respect.  Men want to be with a woman they respect.  If you follow this line of thought, a man will not commit to a woman who can not have enough self-respect for herself to ask for a commitment before sex (this is speaking only for men who are interested in committed relationships).  No matter how nice, generous, comforting, or loving a woman is, I’ve heard of very few guys committing to a relationship if the woman didn’t require it.

Another way to think about the significance of talking about establishing a commitment before sex is to look at a popular song by John Mayer titled, “Say”.  The lyrics can be summed up as, “Say what you need to say”.  It’s simple yet powerful.  If you’re frustrated by thinking that sex means love or fidelity without any requirement of a commitment, then take heart.  Know you deserve better.  Know that there are men who are willing to make a commitment to you.  But in order to get that commitment, you must “Say what you need to Say!”

(Note: Details in this blog have been changed to protect the privacy of the individuals involved)

“WHO’S CHEATING WHO?”

A client from California raised the question of cheating in session and it brought up a valid point to address.  How do we define cheating?  He saw cheating as having sex with a woman outside his marriage.  I agreed but also told him cheating can encompass many other areas that don’t involve intercourse.

One way to illustrate this point is to think of the highway as sex and the on-ramp as the activities “ramping” you up to it.  While the on-ramp is distinctly separate from the highway, the objective of the on-ramp though is to give you the time, space, and opportunity needed to merge with the freeway.

In the same vein, talking to someone you’re romantically interested in, going out to coffee, texting, and keeping secrets from your partner are all behaviors to increase your likelihood of sleeping with this person.  Sure you may tell yourself otherwise, but the truth is you would never want your spouse to know.

My client would not consider this cheating and in the purest sense I would have to agree.  But he’s having what I’d describe as an “affair of the heart” where he has allowed another woman to capture his imagination, fantasy, and devotion.  He enjoys her companionship, flirtation, adulation, and attention.  Where will it end up?  If he keeps this pseudo-relationship going, no amount of willpower can keep the two from having sex.  Like our freeway analogy, once you’re on the on-ramp you’re not going to put your car in reverse and go the other way.

Even if we disagree with the semantics, at the end of the day we have to ask ourselves, “Who’s cheating who?”  Even if you don’t believe he’s cheating on his wife, I’d say he’s still cheating himself and the potential to develop greater intimacy with his wife.  Trust.  Respect.  Being a man of your word.  Growing deeper and richer in your relationship with your significant other.  All of these are compromised sacrificed when you live a double-life marked by rationalizations and justifications.  Better to stop now and live with a better conscience than to act on our impulses and be seared with guilt and shame later on.

(Note: Details in this blog have been changed to protect the privacy of the individuals involved)

“Two And a Half Egos: The Charlie Sheen Saga”

Some of you may be wondering what’s going on with actor Charlie Sheen.   As a psychotherapist and former t.v. news reporter in Los Angeles, I understand the fragile lives of those in the media spotlight.

By acting standards, Sheen was doing well professionally.  Before the decision to cancel his series, Sheen had been America’s most highly-paid tv actor and Two And A Half Men was the top-rated sitcom in the country.  It was attracting an audience of around 15 million viewers a week for the network.  Unfortunately, this got to his head.  ”I’m tired of pretending like I’m not special. I’m tired of pretending like I’m not bitching, a total fricking rock star from Mars, and people can’t figure me out, they can’t process me. I don’t expect them to. You can’t process me with a normal brain” Sheen told NBC news.

So how do we define normalcy when it comes to brain functioning?  One not addicted to drugs?   One with some level of humility?  One with professional courtesy?   Sheen told ABC that he had never lost “a day that cost anybody any money” during filming of the sitcom, apart from missing rehearsals. “Practice is for amateurs,” Sheen sneered.

Psychologically-speaking, he is a classic case of someone with a narcissistic personality disorder which is defined as a mental disorder in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance and a deep need for admiration. Those with narcissistic personality disorder believe that they’re superior to others and have little regard for other people’s feelings. But behind this mask of ultra-confidence lies a fragile self-esteem, vulnerable to the slightest criticism.

“I have a grandiose life. I embrace it.” Sheen expounded. “Sorry my life is so much more bitchin’ than yours. I planned it this way.”

In an interview with ABC News, Sheen said the following:  ”I am on a drug, it’s called ‘Charlie Sheen’.  It’s not available because if you try it once, you will die. Your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body.”

Despite his obvious attempts to protect himself through his verbal assaults against CBS and his critics, Sheen’s biggest nemesis is neither his network nor his drug habit, it’s himself.  Sheen suffers not from a lack of recognition instead he suffers from what I describe as the “celebrity syndrome” where nothing satisfies.  He will never make enough money, receive enough praise, ingest enough drugs, or sleep with enough women to satisfy his deepest desires for security, affirmation, or sense of self-worth.  The only way out is the path in.  Sheen must go inside to the depths of his soul.  He must learn to calm the storm within.  It’s a spiritual journey that he must acknowledge is missing, lest he continue to drown in abject misery.

“Yellow on the Outside, Shame on the Inside”

In the Asian culture, the concept of shame and honor are inextricably tied together.  It’s like the Yin and the Yang.  They co-exist together so to fully grasp and appreciate Asian shame, we need to understand this tension.  Honor and upholding honor in our culture is paramount.  You learn honor early on from your parents that everything we do is predicated on bringing honor to our families such as getting good grades, going to college, getting a good-paying job, getting married, and having obedient kids (repeat cycle).  But what happens when you cannot live up to your family or culture’s expectations of success?  What if you go through experiences that are not honorable or proud for your family, what then?  When you feel you’ve let down not only yourself and your immediate family but also your ancestors, and your entire culture, and can’t talk about them, it inevitably leads to shame.

Shame is a perverse and distorted belief that we are bad and inherently unworthy of love.  Consequently when you feel shame, you feel you deserve to be persecuted, punished, and tormented. This is a shame that seeps into our veins and courses through our very being.  This deep sense of rejection, humiliation, failure and embarrassment penetrates our core and robs us of life.  We come to view our entire self as flawed, defective, unworthy, and ultimately unlovable.

This sense of shame can come from a myriad of life events or experiences such as having a physical deformity, getting poor grades in school, displaying “negative” emotions such as anger or sadness, being scolded or criticized repeatedly in childhood, struggles with addictions (i.e. gambling, alcohol/drugs, sex, etc.), losing your home, going bankrupt, getting divorced-all can lead to this catch-all sense of being “less than” or “not good enough”.

For myself, this sense of obligation and responsibility to bring honor to the family was even stronger growing up as the oldest son.  I was the one responsibly to pass this sense of honor down to the future generations.  And as a first generation Asian-American, the expectation to succeed in this new land only made the burden heavier.  When I stepped out into the American world of education, career, or marriage, I felt the weight of my culture following me along.  But the weight of failed expectations would’ve crushed me had I not reached out for help.

Back in 2003, I hit what I’d descrbie as my “rock bottom”.  I lost my marriage and my job as a t.v. reporter in Los Angeles.  Everything I had worked so hard to achieve was gone.  I experienced a “shattered dream”, not just an individual dream but the collective dream of my parents and grandparents.  Insecurities and fears exploded and swirled inside me when my personal and professional life collapsed.  The emotions paralyzed me.  The gut-wrenching fear of being rejected had been realized.  I was tormented beyond belief.  I had lost more than a marriage or a job.  I had lost the meaning to life because I had lost the honor of my family.  The shame of letting down my family, my community, and my ancestors.  It was a shame that wracked my soul.

But the blessing from my divorce and job loss is that it forced me to acknowledge the pain within while working on issues of intimacy, shame, loss, disappointment and other family dynamics that were never explored.  Eventually through my own time in therapy, I emerged with a new lens from which to see life.  The shadow of shame had been lifted.  It’s this new-found experience of intimacy both with God and with my fellow man that launched me into my career as a psychotherapist today.

UNDERSTANDING MEN: WHAT SHOULD I DO?

Dear Sam: There’s a guy who likes me and we’ve gone out about seven times in two months and he’s even said “I love you” but I’m on the fence about him.  However, there’s another guy I’m attracted that I’ve been seeing but he’s in a 6 month relationship with another woman.  What should I do?

Answer:  First off, this question addresses three people (you and the two guys) with many relational dynamics that need to be sorted out.  But let’s start with you since you’re the priority here.  You need to ask yourself why are you attracted to men who should be off-limits.  It is wrong to be in this relationship.  A relationship takes two people so you alluded that he flirted with you first and you reciprocated.  I understand you were not aware he had a girlfriend until after the first few dates so you may think that gets you off the hook but this is where many men and women forget their responsibility in dating.  When you go out on those first few dates, you NEED to ask if they are currently dating other people (i.e. dating as defined as going out on dates vs. being in an exclusive relationship).  If so, you also have a right to ask if any of them are serious or and whether the other women know if he’s dating other people.  Men of some integrity should be honest enough to let a woman know if he’s dating other people or wants to date other people at some point early on.  Why is this important?  Because when you’re dating someone who hasn’t made a commitment to you yet, you need to guard your heart.  It’s unfair for you to commit emotionally to a man who’s not ready to do the same with you.

As for the cheater, he must ask himself what drives him to flirt with you and seek being in a clandestine relationship without telling you early on or his current girlfriend.  Some will say he’s just irresponsible, immoral, a liar, a pig, etc. and leave it at that.  While that all may be true there’s something deeper that most people don’t understand about men or women who always are in a relationship before moving onto another one (i.e. these people never have a period of singlehood so the relationships usually overlap one another).  Put another way, like a frog hopping from a lily pad to another lily pad, these men and women are always in a relationship to use as a secure base to launch or “jump” into a new relationship.  Why is this bad?  Well, this tells me when they’re in a relationship (possibly with you), they are willing to end it or jeopardize the current relationship for the new one.  They never allow the relationship to end naturally (i.e. things don’t work out, they don’t share same values/life goals, etc.) but instead use the new relationship to end the last one.

This type of behavior is rooted in relational insecurity that stems usually from childhood or early adulthood.  Issues of abandonment (real or perceived), lack of attention, abuse (physical, verbal, sexual), and betrayal are common.  But over-protectiveness and being extremely sheltered in childhood can also lead to a “clinging” behavior in romantic relationships that make it hard for people to end a relationship in a healthy way and grieve the loss before moving on.  At its core, the deepest fear of being abandoned, alone, and without help cries out from their souls and is manifested in behaviors that will keep them from ever experiencing or re-experiencing that type of fear.

As for why you’re on the fence with the guy who’s single and said, “I love you” during your early dating encounters, it may simply be your not attracted to a guy who expresses that level of intimacy at the WRONG time.  I agree, it came prematurely.  Let’s call this premature ejaculation of the mouth.  Don’t say things that should come later in the relationship.  Wait until you’re in an EXCLUSIVE relationship before even thinking of mouthing these words.  Remember, your goal is to be IN a relationship, not to scare the girl out of one.

(Note: Details in this blog have been changed to protect the privacy of the individuals involved)

FRIENDS, HOW MANY OF US HAVE THEM?

Most of us have friendships from many different spheres of life: work, family, sports, and other outside interests. But how many of us have close friendships with people whom we invite into the deepest part of our life? How many of us allow others to stir our soul to discover our struggles, desires, and dreams, thus releasing the power and encouraging us to be the people we were called to be. This is relational intimacy at its best.

As humans we all have a desire to know someone and have them know us. That is intimacy at its core. But in order to reach this level of intimacy we need to risk relationally. For some, this comes easy as their early relationships with family involved sharing and revealing who they were to each other. For most Asians though, this may be challenging and may even feel as if others are prying in their attempts to develop a deeper friendship with us. The key in developing meaningful friendships is to acknowledge our fears yet still move forward in vulnerability.

First things first though. Some of us may need new friends if our current friendships are relatively shallow and can’t get beneath the trivial and superficial. We may need to find different friends from different backgrounds (or ways of relating) who will ask the tough questions and challenge us to explore our own thoughts, feelings, and behaviors.

But for others, you may have genuine friends willing to grow closer with you but you may be the one with the inability to relate deeply for fear of rejection. If that’s the case, I encourage you to search your heart for understanding and wisdom so that you can come to a place where you can trust others.

Some of our longest friendships can also be the most superficial. Take childhood friends for instance. If you have been friends with someone since elementary, middle, or high school it’s very unlikely you’ll want to disrupt the cordial friendship you have by asking tough, probing questions for fear the other party might get upset. So both sides only offer feedback when asked and it’s unlikely to happen unless there’s a crisis.

If you want a more meaningful relationship with a childhood friend then you’ll have to take the risk first and expose something about yourself to the other person as a step in faith. But it’s a two-way street. If given enough time and the other party can not reciprocate after you’ve shared a personal weakness, struggle, or challenge then you may need to recognize the limits of this relationship and look for others.

Friendships at work can be a great place for finding richer and deeper relationships. One reason is your career may be an indicator of your values this alone may have established a baseline level of trust with others. Also, work is a place where you can get acquainted with someone at a comfortable distance and through regular contact and idle chit-chat, you can find common ground such as hobbies, sports, etc. But with work relationships, the depth will require time spent away from the work environment. Possibly asking someone you’d like to get to know better out for coffee, lunch, or happy hour can be a good start to a more meaningful friendship.

Remember our entire being is designed for intimacy. But if we do not give others the opportunity to know us thoroughly we rob ourselves of the gift of relationship. The gift you have for others and the gift they may have for you.