ASIAN HONOR & SUICIDE

[A group of Japanese kamikaze pilots bowing during the second world war. Photograph: MPI/Getty Images.]

Suicide has long been a way to preserve your family’s honor in Asia.  This sense of honor by suicide among the Japanese was most evident during the kamikaze pilots of World War Two.  The Japanese saw it as an act of bravery and sacrifice knowing that they would not return alive.  Death was seen as success to the kamikaze as opposed to the shame or disgrace associated with defeat, capture, or surrender.

This tradition of suicide over defeat dates back centuries to feudal Japan when the Japanese Samurai reigned.  The Samurai lived by the Bushidō code, meaning “Way of the Warrior-Knight”, whereby the accepted practice was to follow this code of loyalty and honor until death.  Consequently the Samurai way of glory was through death, thus the long tradition of honor associated with suicide.

Not surprisingly, this view of suicide as a means to preserve your family and culture’s honor still permeates among the Japanese today.  According to the World Health Organization, Japan has the highest suicide rate among Asian countries with more than 30,000 annually in its most recent report.

Taking your life is seen as an honorable way of atoning for public disgrace and expression of one’s deep sense of shame.  However, the climate towards social acceptance of suicide in Japan is changing.  The Japanese government is trying to lower the high suicide rate by enacting laws that levy fines to the families of those who commit suicide as a means to discourage this long-standing practice.  Needless to say, the prevalence of Japanese suicides offers a window to the shame-based pressure by the Asian culture to uphold honor at any cost.

“IF YOU KNEW ME, YOU’D LEAVE ME”

            Asian cultures are rooted in shame.  We are known as a shame-based culture since our lives, families, and mindset revolve around some aspect of shame.  Our identities are forged by upholding our honor while trying to avoid any shame-producing feelings, thoughts, or beliefs.  Few have the courage to break the cultural shame that binds them.  Instead, they suffer in silence.  I should know, as my life was once shackled by shame, hiding and afraid to reveal myself to the world.  I was fearful that if anyone really knew me, they would leave me.  I could not be loved or accepted as is.  I strove to prove to myself and the world that I was “good enough” by trying to excel at school, sports, career, my relationships and with God.  I would never let anyone see my weaknesses, my fears, or my insecurities.  It was the Asian way.  It was the American way.  And for the most part, I thought it was the only way.

           In psychological circles we call this a “false self” because the reality and vitality of life is cut off from the person who refuses to acknowledge any feelings or thoughts that are deemed unacceptable to him or his culture.  The false self is a defense and construct needed to protect the ego for countless millions of people who strive to earn their way to approval and acceptance in humanity.  Unless it is confronted and torn down, the individual will stay locked in an emotional prison that will stifle his soul from the freedom that craves to be released from bondage.

Part of my work as a therapist now is to help clients tap into their neglected emotional world.  It’s analogous to a personal trainer helping clients with exercise.  In therapy, the neglected “muscles” being worked are the emotions that a person learned in childhood that were deemed unacceptable and shameful: rage, grief, helplessness, envy, grief, sadness, fear, and sexuality.  Given enough time, a child in this environment will learn to associate certain feelings with shame.  This deep-seated feeling of shame is pernicious for it will attempt to choke the child into feeling bad, defective, and unlovable when these feelings are aroused later in adulthood.  To keep these feelings under control, shame-bound individuals are likely to turn to addictive behaviors as addictions temporarily ward off unpleasant feelings by altering one’s mood.

“AGE IS A FACTOR!”

Dear Sam,

I’m a little confused. Or not really. Maybe I’m crazy?
 Anyway I was in an online/long distance relationship with my ex boyfriend for five years.  We met when I was 14 and he told me he was 20ish at the time.  I’m 19 now and a year ago I found out he is much older than he said he was 35.
  I broke up with him and then took him back because the age thing wasn’t really a factor in why I fell for this guy.  I met him in person back in February for the first time and we had a great time together and I even lost my virginity to him.  We could talk about normal things and he didn’t just want sex from me.  He really respected me and loved me.  There were times that I would ask myself if he could be married or have kids but I just figured if he didn’t, why would he waste so much time talking to me.
  We always talked about the future and how he didn’t want to hold me back and that I should go out and get the college experience with other guys and whatnot but I told him I didn’t want anyone else so I stayed with him.  I went to visit him a few weeks ago and it was the best time of my life.  I told him I could see myself moving to be with him and spending the rest of my life with him.
  During Thanksgiving break I went back home and I had planned this date a few weeks before I visited my boyfriend and I went on the date and things happened.  The new guy and I hooked up but afterwards I cried about it and even though it may sound silly to cry, I didn’t cry because the guy made me cry.  It was because I realized how much I loved my boyfriend and I couldn’t believe that I had just cheated on him.  I’ve tried being with someone else before but I could never be intimate with them because of my boyfriend.  I ended up telling him and we concluded that we should break up and I should just do my own thing.
  It’s only been a week since the break up but I can’t stop thinking about how badly I hurt him and how much I want things to go back to the way they were.  I talked to him over the phone a few days ago and asked if we could just be friends because I wasn’t ready to let go of him so fast yet.  He told me maybe after we’ve had some time apart then probably.  I miss him so much and my friends tell me that it’s for the best that this happened and I don’t really love him, but how would they know if they’re not in my shoes?
  I’m trying to move on because maybe it would be good that I be with someone else and not with someone who lives so far away and also 17 years older than me.  It’s just really hard, though.  A lot happened between us and I just threw it away so suddenly.
  I don’t really have a specific question but maybe there’s some advice you can give me about this whole situation?

Wow, you shared a lot so thanks for giving me the privilege to offer my insight into your situation.  First off, your friends are trying to be helpful (but they’re not) by saying things like, “It’s the best thing to happen to you” or “You didn’t really love him” when in reality, you did love him and that this break-up does feels like the worst thing to happen to you.  So let’s start by validating those feelings of loss and grief.

Since your relationship was primarily via emails, phone calls, or text messages, some people would scoff at the idea of calling this a “real relationship”.  But the truth is these relationships require even more intimacy muscles since you couldn’t see each other.  The relationship had to be built within the context of conversations, caring, and support.

You obviously feel bad for cheating on him but there’s a sense you may be taking on extra guilt by worrying over how much you “hurt” him.  Stop that.  You’re not responsible for his feelings.  He’s a grown man and will handle those feelings and issues on his own.  Speaking of which, this leads me to the real issue in this relationship.  Age.  He’s a grown man who’s 17 years older than you?!

You say age isn’t a factor in why you “fell for this guy”.  Maybe not, but I believe age was a factor in why he chose you.  Let me explain.  When you first met, you were 14 and he was 31.  He deliberately chose someone underage to talk to.  Why is that?  Well, he has experience, you do not.  He has been in adult relationships, you have not.  He knows the world, you do not.  He has the power and control, you do not.  His actions early on were all part of what’s known as “grooming” (Definition: to prepare, as for a specific position or purpose).  He was grooming you to trust him.  He was grooming you to have sex with him.  Don’t you find it unusual that it took until you were at least 18 before there was any sexual contact?  He’s no idiot, he knows the law.  If he had sex with you earlier, he would’ve put himself in jeopardy of going to prison for a sex offense.

Sadly, this is a case where he groomed you to get what he wanted.  As part of his grooming process, he lied to you.  He lied to you for four years about his age.  For four years he lied to you.  Let that sink in.  He lied to you.  He lied to you for a reason.  If he told the truth, you may have ran or called the cops.  After four years of emotional and now physical intimacy, you defend him.  You don’t know it yet but you were taken advantage of emotionally and sexually.

I’m not sure if your parents know about this but I’d start by reaching out to older people you could trust and share your story.  If not your parents, think other parents in your community, female teachers, counselors, relatives, or church leaders. You need to be protected not only from this guy but from others who may try and prey on your youth and naiveté.  I pray you find not only comfort through this experience but also wisdom so you are not manipulated again in the future.

“SEXLESS IN THE CITY”

Dear Sam,

My boyfriend and I have been together for a little more than 2 years and are literally soulmates.  We laugh and talk and never tire of each other’s company, but we’ve only had sex 4 times in 2 years.

He says he’s not a very sexual person, and in the beginning I was ok with that but lately I’m feeling more and more rejected.  Every time I’ve tried to talk to him about it, he gets upset or defensive and we inevitably break up for a few days.

He says he loves me and is attracted to me but he is less and less effusive and sometimes when I say, “I love you”, he just smiles and says, “I know”.  I love him more than anyone I’ve ever been with and want to spend the rest of my life with him.  I’m starting to wonder if there isn’t something more going on?  I’m ready to take this to the next level and get married but he isn’t ready now and doesn’t know when he will be.  Do you think I should leave him?

-“Sexless in the City”

Dear “Sexless in the City”,

While on the surface it sounds like sex is the issue, we can clearly see it is not.  This has everything to do with emotional intimacy or in your boyfriend’s case, the lack of it.  There’s no desire on his part to help you understand what’s in his head.  Could there be something going on?  Sure, he could be cheating on you, addicted to porn, or a whole host of other reasons for his sexual anorexic behavior.

But let’s not put too much focus on sex as often people confuse sex and the intensity of sex with true intimacy and love.  You’re torn because you feel you’re “soul mates” yet he doesn’t share the same values of commitment, monogamy, and a life-long relationship with you.  I believe “soul mates” have that at the very least.

My big concern is you have a boyfriend who’s unwilling to verbally acknowledge, reciprocate, or initiate his love for you.  You shouldn’t be the one always telling him, “I love you”.  It appears he’s playing you.  When he says, “I know”, that should be taken literally.  He knows you love him, need him, and are dependent on him.  He is using your emotional dependence as a form of manipulation and control.

It sounds like taking a longer break may be in order to give you a better barometer on the relationship.  I believe breaks are healthy to allow partners to come back down to equilibrium, learn to stand on their own two feet, and then decide if they still want to be together.  You must choose this relationship not because it’s based on a “need” but on a “want”.

He knows you “need” this relationship so you should ask yourself if you can move ahead with a guy who’s not interested in getting married (at least not now with you).  A mentor once shared this pearl of wisdom with me about relationships.  He posed it in a question.  Basically it was to the effect of, “If this woman never changed for the rest of her life, would you still be with her?”  In your case, if your partner  never wanted to get married, tell you he loves you, and isn’t able to meet your relational and emotional needs, would you still be with him?  This is ultimately the question you need to ask yourself in deciding whether to leave him.

“HOOKED UP, NOW WHAT?!”

Dear Sam,

I went out a couple times with a girl and we’ve hooked up so I’m not sure what it means.  She’s no longer texting or calling me as much and I feel we went too fast. What should I do?  

“Hooked-Up”

Dear “Hooked-Up”,

It sounds like you like her and want to continue seeing her but are wondering if you jeopardized the relationship by letting your hormones get the best of you.  She’s now withdrawing either because you moved too quickly or she’s no longer interested or maybe a combination of both.

I could psychoanalyze why she’s doing what she’s doing all day but why waste time?  The best advice would be to call her and talk about it.  What a concept, huh?  Talk.  Texting is not allowed here!

While you’re getting information from her, this is also an opportunity for you to grow relationally.  You could be honest and tell her as you’ve told me that you feel, “it went too fast” and see how she felt about it.  You could tell her you’d like to continue seeing her and then see what she thinks about that.  Since the situation sounds tenuous I would caution against showing any more of your “cards”.  Anything that smacks of, “let’s be boyfriend & girlfriend” may scare her away.  Remember, she’s already a bit wary of you, why give her another reason to kiss you good-bye?

“BFF WITH MY EX?”

Hey Sam, I have an ex that was my best friend before we dated. We went out for almost 2 years and were very happy together for a long time, but recently we broke up because it turned out that she cheated on me with her most recent ex.
 My question for you is not on whether I should take her back or not because she has been BEGGING me to. I have already made up my mind that I will not. Absolutely not.
Before we dated, I promised her that no matter what I would remain her best friend. But I had not expected her to ever cheat on me, as her promise was that she never would do that sort of thing to me. Do you think I should still honor my promise to her of remaining her friend despite her cheating and breaking hers? A promise is every important to me and I am proud to say that I always keep my promises.
But at the same time, I am afraid that she will use this opportunity of friendship to try and get me back, as she already has been for the past few weeks. It is extremely aggravating, and sometimes very tempting because I have still not gotten over her to be honest. She has been taking every opportunity to try and convince me to take her back. Right now, I told her that we needed some time off from each other indefinitely, and that I would not be taking her back. But I am unsure whether or not I should eventually try and be her friend again, like we were before we dated. Is there a friendship that can be salvaged?

-Promise Keeper

Dear Promise Keeper,

First off, I commend you on your desire to keep your promises. As you mentioned the question isn’t whether to take your girlfriend back rather it’s the internal struggle of staying true to your word. Do you essentially keep your word and promise to be best friends forever (BFF) with your ex or risk in your eyes losing your “promise” to her.

Before I answer your question, let’s take a slight detour. People often think their title, possessions, money, job, status, car, athletic ability, or some other talent is what defines them. But these things are just a mirage. They are transitory in nature. What stays constant is your name. Your name and everything associated with it is truly all you have in this world. Who are you as a person? What is your character? Can you be trusted? Are you a man of your word? NOTHING is more important to your reputation than your name and you must protect it by living a life of integrity and authenticity. This doesn’t mean you’re perfect, far from it, but you must have the humility to be honest with your mistakes.

O.k. back to your real-life issue. You prize staying true to your word, that much is obvious. I think this is a value that works well when it comes to in many areas of life, but what you forget is that in love and romance the rules change.

The old adage, “All’s fair in love and war” needs to be applied here. The quote generally means that there are no rules or restrictions when it comes to war and this applies equally so in the world of love. Think of the martial arts. While there may be “rules” for sparring and training, the training is to prepare your mind and heart for the unforeseen situation where you may have to fend for your life. In this situation, there are no rules. It’s about survival.

Now when it comes to love this means you can throw promises out the window without it affecting your reputation or your word. There have been times in my own relationships where promises where made or received such as, “I will never leave you”, “I want you forever”, “We will always be friends” but it’s not true. Plans change. Relationships change.

So can your friendship be salvaged? Yes, even though she’s cheated on you, I’ve seen friendships develop from this very scenario. But it only works with time apart. You need time to heal by working through the pain, hurt, and betrayal. You also need that time to reevaluate whether the relationship is even worth salvaging. Before you answer your own question, I’d suggest a long break (up to 6 months) where you ask her to give you space with no contact (FB, email, text, etc.). This in essence not only gives you time to heal but also a chance to see if she can respect your requests. If she continues to invade your space, then it’s a clear signal she can’t respect your legitimate need for time apart and thus you as a person.

I’m sorry to hear about this loss because relationships built first on friendships are so rare to find and have so much potential for depth, love, and intimacy and a renewed friendship although can succeed will take lots of effort on both parts. Only time will tell if this is worth it for you.

“THE SEATTLE FREEZE”

If you’ve lived in Seattle for any length of time you may have heard of the term, “The Seattle Freeze”.  No, it’s not Steve Pool’s weather upcoming forecast rather it’s a relational dynamic that crops up between locals and outsiders (i.e. transplants).

People describe it to me this way, that Seattleites are “nice” in the sense that they’ll let you merge into traffic, are polite to you in stores, and overall are very congenial people.  Yet it stops there.  Attempts to break into the inner circle of trust are often rebuffed by polite social deflection.  No one will overtly tell you they don’t want to be your friend but if you’re an outsider, making friends with the locals is and will continue to be a daunting task.

The Urban Dictionary defines as follows:

Seattle Freeze:  A phrase that describes a local public consensus that states the city of Seattle and/ or its outlying suburbs are generally not friendly, asexual, introverted, socially aloof, clickish or strictly divided through its social classes, thus making the city/ area difficult to make social connections on all levels.

I was transplanted here six months ago from Los Angeles, and because of this Seattle Freeze I have not had a lot of success at making new friends.

Every single one of the people I know who relocated here from another state will tell you it’s hard to make friends here. They may not know the term “Seattle Freeze” but they well know the phenomenon. The only people who will deny it grew up here, and even many of them acknowledge it. (from urbandictionary.com)

     In my own life, I’ve had the unique privilege of seeing this dynamic play out from both sides.  Since I grew up here (i.e. childhood-college), I’m a local.  Yet, I’ve also been treated as a transplant having lived nearly twenty years away.

When I went to parties or gatherings hosted by “locals”, I sensed suspicion or wariness from some of their local friends whom I didn’t know.  Even a friendly reminder that “I grew up here” didn’t allay their concerns or distrust.  Some shot back, “If you grew up here, how come I never met you or know you?”

In circles where I am the insider, such as the local Asian pick-up basketball leagues, I clearly saw the delineation with the transplants.  In these instances the gym time is run and organized by long-time friends (some date back 30 years) and most of the players are also locals I’ve known for some time.  And in the spirit of being “nice” and extending our brotherhood of good will to others, outsiders are invited to play.  Many of the Asian transplants who play are from Hawaii who moved here for college and then stayed for work.  Despite living here for more than ten years, the gulf between “them” and “us” was evident.

The Hawaiian transplants and elsewhere all congregated in one corner of the gym between games while the locals gravitated towards the other.  Sure there were some pleasantries exchanged but it stayed superficial.  When I asked if they ever went out to grab a bite to eat with the Seattle crew, they just looked at me with befuddlement.

My take on this from a relational and psychological point of view is that locals don’t know how to build trust.  Many of my childhood friends have not widened their circle of friendships nor do they desire to do so.  Some get asked to go out by co-workers and their response has been, “why bother?”

Starting a relationship from scratch with no commonalities other than the same city or workplace can be daunting and honestly takes a lot of emotional work.  Friendships are tested.  Who wants to go through the trouble of being vulnerable, letting a new person into your world, when you can rest in the safety of pre-established friendships?  I admit I’m guilty of this myself.  Having reconnected with some childhood friends, there’s a part of me that also wonders, “why bother?”  Do I really want to go through the trouble of asking people out and taking the initiative when the standard response is “maybe next time”? Relationships are two-way streets and when locals turn it into a one-way street, it’s our cue to look elsewhere.

Now if you’re a native Seattleite and are prone to the Seattle Freeze, don’t beat yourself up too much.  Since there’s a strong contingent of locals who have never had the opportunity to live outside of here, it may be hard to empathize with the transplant’s isolation and desire to connect with you.

I once read that some lessons in life can’t be learned from reading, they must be lived.  This must be one of those lessons.  The socials skills needed to size someone up, decide whether to ask for his or her number, and build on that relationship get sharpened when you’ve lived elsewhere.  When I met good people in other cities, I sometimes had to make a decision on-the-spot as to whether to build on the relationship.  If so, I had to seize the opportunity immediately otherwise I might not get a second chance.  This was an exercise in trust-building, not only between me and the other person but also with myself.  Could I trust my instincts to befriend someone?  Without the luxury of a shared childhood, were they trustworthy enough to be my friend, my roommate, or my mentor?  These questions could only be answered within the context of relationship and the risks associated with starting one from scratch.

I’m not sure if the “Seattle Freeze” stigma will ever be lifted but while I’m here, I will strive to make outsiders feel especially welcomed and connected to this great city I call home.

“WHEN LOVE IS NOT ENOUGH”

Dear Sam:

My ex-wife and mother to my two boys left me about a year ago.  At first she took the kids and refused to let me see them. Then I took her to court and got full custody of the children.  After that she decided to marry someone she had just met. 

Now she is divorcing.

 When she realized her divorce was inevitable, she called me and asked to come home and I declined.

 I want to give her another chance at being a good mother and a good partner. I am not happy dating, and I want someone in my life.  When we first met, our life was great together.  She says she loves me, but I have heard these words before.  She used to hurt us financially and most of our arguments were about money.  She also admitted that she cheated on me twice before she left.  She says she is different now.

 All of my friends and family are against this, but I love her, and my life is not the same without her.  Any advice would be appreciated.

— Single Dad who loves his ex

Dear Single Dad,

First off, “Slow down, Cowboy!”  You have a lot going on and I think it’s prudent to sit on this for a while before making any decisions.  In therapy circles, we often say no major moves (i.e. relational, geographic, or vocational) when faced with a crisis or extremely stressful situation.  In fact, we recommend the status quo for up to a year if possible just so you can make a level-headed decision and to learn to grow from the anxiety.

I can easily nitpick your ex for being impulsive and getting married to someone she just met and then divorcing him shortly thereafter.  But why go there?  She also cheated on you twice and you still want her back in your life so no need to go there either.

What I do want to help you understand is this notion of “love”.  It appears you love her and she loves you, otherwise it would be easy to just say, “sayonara”.

But you may not realize that love is not enough.  This may go against clichés you’ve heard such as, “Love Conquers All”, or “All You Need is Love” but the Beatles are wrong, you need more than love, much more.

I once read a book titled, The Seven Levels of Intimacy by Matthew Kelly that had a profound message about love and relationships.  In the book he mentions couples that thrive in their relationships must have more than common interests; they must have a common purpose:

“Common interests are not enough to build a great relationship on.  You may enjoy hiking together or traveling together, biking together or listening to live music together.  You may share a love of movies, museums, art, animals, or any number of interests that can draw people together.  But it is a mistake to think that these provide a solid foundation for a long-term relationship.  In fact, common interests can very often turn out to be a false foundation, creating the illusion of a deeper relationship than was actually present”. (From The Seven Levels of Intimacy)

In your case, you appear to have a financial purpose and plan for getting there.  Your ex has a different purpose when it comes to money.  You described her behavior as, “hurt us financially”.  Those are strong words.  It should be obvious that you two have different value systems when it comes to money and hence the never-ending arguments on that topic.

You defend your position by saying you “love” her.  But is love enough?  I don’t think so.  I’ve seen enough examples in my counseling practice and even in my own life to know that love is not enough.

In the end you, don’t follow my advice.  Instead, listen to Shakespeake.

“To thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man.”

-William Shakespeare

The quote basically means be true to who you are.  Your true self lies in your morals, convictions, values, and principles as it relates to your philosophy on life.  If you stick to that, you will find someone who will not only honor that part of you, but also help you build upon it.

“MY GIRLFRIEND’S A SEX ADDICT!”

Dear Sam: I have been seeing the same girl for three years.  She makes me feel really happy and great about myself and we have a very fulfilling relationship.

The one problem has been our trust issues, which we knew we would have.  She has a history as a cheater, and I have a history of being cheated on. We’ve seemed to work most of them out, but over time I have always had my concerns and I’m wondering if she’s a sex addict?

This summer, she was unemployed and I worked long hours.  I felt something was wrong most of the summer . . . and finally snooped, only to find out about a few lies she told, and numerous sexting from a guy.  She admitted she made out with the guy at a bar this summer, and also admitted to several other lies about who she was hanging out with at bars.

My first instinct was to break up with her, but she came forward with a plan — and in a week she has gone to sex addiction therapy.  The biggest plan is to practice 100 percent honesty with me.

She says she is ready to change herself whether I stay with her or not.  She is 27.  Am I wasting my time by giving her a second chance? — Dating a female sex addict

            Your first question is whether or not your girlfriend’s serial cheating behavior qualifies as sex addiction.  I think I would need to have more information before I can definitely say so.  I do know with my work in sex addiction therapy that her behavior is typical of men and women who are sex addicts, which is a deep-seated fear of intimacy (i.e. being known emotionally).

Without delving into the various diagnostic tests of sex addiction, one big thing I have to watch for is whether a person is truly an addict or just being an ass*&le.  One way to distinguish this is to look for an internal sense of wrong or incongruence between their behaviors and their desires for their life.  To put it simply, most addicts want to stop their sexual acting out and if they’re caught feel a sense of relief and shame which can be helpful during the initial phase of recovery.  In the ass&*le’s case, there’s a sense of entitlement that’s deeply embedded in the person’s character.  They want to continue acting out and hate the fact that they’ve been caught.  Do you see the difference?  In addition, with an addict there’s usually a deep a sense of contrition, remorse, and desire to change that “feels” very different from one who wants to cheat and now is busted.  Cheaters who are not addicts will try to hide behind the label of sex addiction as a means of excusing their behaviors but they are truly narcissists in disguise with little empathy for the relational impact they have on others.

Now getting back to your situation, you mentioned you have a history of being the cheat-tee (i.e. being cheated on).  Because of your pattern, it’s not wonder or coincidence that you two ended up together.  This should be further explored in therapy.

For her part, she’s at least recognizing the problem and taking steps to grow from this.  The hard part and the question you have to ask yourself is, can you be patient and go through the “growing pains” with her recovery.  What I mean is that there’s potentially could be more secrets unveiled as she matures and swallows her own fears and insecurities of being abandoned in a relationship.  As she learns to live on life’s terms and be honest with herself and is willing to face the consequences of her actions, she can then be more forthright with you.  You two could have a very enriching experience and grow together from this damaging situation.  But can you wait that long?

In my additional training to become nationally certified as a sex addiction therapist (CSAT), we’re taught to offer what’s known as a “therapeutic separation”.  This is where there’s a time-specific separation from each other with the goal of repairing the relationship.  In doing this, each person not only has physical space apart from their partner but also emotional space to grow through their own issues of co-dependency, fear, insecurity, etc.  This could be an option you could explore.

But in the end, I am hesitant to give you a directive on what to do as this is ultimately your life and it’s unfair for me to rob you of this choice.  You must make this decision based on your own heart and mind but do know that you can find ample support in the form of 12-Step sex addiction support groups if you two decide to walk this journey together.

FRIEND WANTS MORE THAN “BENEFITS”

Dear Sam,

My ex and I were together for just over three years, and our breakup was riddled with one childish, explosive argument after the next. About a year after our breakup, we started becoming friends again, and in the past 2 years, have gone on to be best friends.

About a year ago, we started sleeping together again. At first it was something that just happened.  Since then we’re not only having sex with great regularity (two or three times a month), but it’s the best sex we’ve ever had.

Lately, when we are together–whether it’s just hanging out watching a movie, or something more intimate, I am often finding myself wondering if we should try to start dating again, but I’m afraid that a failed attempt would destroy the friendship forever.

Do you think I should tell him how I’m feeling, or should I leave well-enough alone, enjoy the friendship and the sex without commitment?

Signed,

Friend with Benefits

Dear Friends with Benefits,

This is typical in relationships where you want a commitment but are afraid to scare him away if you verbalize your desire for one.  So what do you do?  Well, if you continue on your current path, then you’ll always be friends with benefits unless one of you brings up the subject.

Oftentimes, it’s true that drawing this line in the sand can mean the end of the relationship.  But I’ve also seen in some instances where drawing a boundary can foster a new respect from your partner.  The significance though is not with the partner but in learning to believe you are worthy of having a partner commit to you.  Sex without commitment is fraught with hurt, instability, and lingering questions as to the level of trust and intimacy that can be shared between two people.

The next time you two start fooling around, I’d suggest stopping it early and ask him where he sees this going.  You have to know what your goal is and work backwards.  If it’s commitment, then it has to be expressed so you know where he stands on this.  You may be terribly disappointed with his response but I think you’d be even more hurt if you continue this dance for another three years.  It’s time to learn that friendships have limits.

-Sam