In the Asian culture, the concept of shame and honor are inextricably tied together.  It’s like the Yin and the Yang.  They co-exist together so to fully grasp and appreciate Asian shame, we need to understand this tension.  Honor and upholding honor in our culture is paramount.  You learn honor early on from your parents that everything we do is predicated on bringing honor to our families such as getting good grades, going to college, getting a good-paying job, getting married, and having obedient kids (repeat cycle).  But what happens when you cannot live up to your family or culture’s expectations of success?  What if you go through experiences that are not honorable or proud for your family, what then?  When you feel you’ve let down not only yourself and your immediate family but also your ancestors, and your entire culture, and can’t talk about them, it inevitably leads to shame.

Shame is a perverse and distorted belief that we are bad and inherently unworthy of love.  Consequently when you feel shame, you feel you deserve to be persecuted, punished, and tormented. This is a shame that seeps into our veins and courses through our very being.  This deep sense of rejection, humiliation, failure and embarrassment penetrates our core and robs us of life.  We come to view our entire self as flawed, defective, unworthy, and ultimately unlovable.

This sense of shame can come from a myriad of life events or experiences such as having a physical deformity, getting poor grades in school, displaying “negative” emotions such as anger or sadness, being scolded or criticized repeatedly in childhood, struggles with addictions (i.e. gambling, alcohol/drugs, sex, etc.), losing your home, going bankrupt, getting divorced-all can lead to this catch-all sense of being “less than” or “not good enough”.

For myself, this sense of obligation and responsibility to bring honor to the family was even stronger growing up as the oldest son.  I was the one responsibly to pass this sense of honor down to the future generations.  And as a first generation Asian-American, the expectation to succeed in this new land only made the burden heavier.  When I stepped out into the American world of education, career, or marriage, I felt the weight of my culture following me along.  But the weight of failed expectations would’ve crushed me had I not reached out for help.

Back in 2003, I hit what I’d descrbie as my “rock bottom”.  I lost my marriage and my job as a t.v. reporter in Los Angeles.  Everything I had worked so hard to achieve was gone.  I experienced a “shattered dream”, not just an individual dream but the collective dream of my parents and grandparents.  Insecurities and fears exploded and swirled inside me when my personal and professional life collapsed.  The emotions paralyzed me.  The gut-wrenching fear of being rejected had been realized.  I was tormented beyond belief.  I had lost more than a marriage or a job.  I had lost the meaning to life because I had lost the honor of my family.  The shame of letting down my family, my community, and my ancestors.  It was a shame that wracked my soul.

But the blessing from my divorce and job loss is that it forced me to acknowledge the pain within while working on issues of intimacy, shame, loss, disappointment and other family dynamics that were never explored.  Eventually through my own time in therapy, I emerged with a new lens from which to see life.  The shadow of shame had been lifted.  It’s this new-found experience of intimacy both with God and with my fellow man that launched me into my career as a psychotherapist today.