“AGE IS A FACTOR!”

Dear Sam,

I’m a little confused. Or not really. Maybe I’m crazy?
 Anyway I was in an online/long distance relationship with my ex boyfriend for five years.  We met when I was 14 and he told me he was 20ish at the time.  I’m 19 now and a year ago I found out he is much older than he said he was 35.
  I broke up with him and then took him back because the age thing wasn’t really a factor in why I fell for this guy.  I met him in person back in February for the first time and we had a great time together and I even lost my virginity to him.  We could talk about normal things and he didn’t just want sex from me.  He really respected me and loved me.  There were times that I would ask myself if he could be married or have kids but I just figured if he didn’t, why would he waste so much time talking to me.
  We always talked about the future and how he didn’t want to hold me back and that I should go out and get the college experience with other guys and whatnot but I told him I didn’t want anyone else so I stayed with him.  I went to visit him a few weeks ago and it was the best time of my life.  I told him I could see myself moving to be with him and spending the rest of my life with him.
  During Thanksgiving break I went back home and I had planned this date a few weeks before I visited my boyfriend and I went on the date and things happened.  The new guy and I hooked up but afterwards I cried about it and even though it may sound silly to cry, I didn’t cry because the guy made me cry.  It was because I realized how much I loved my boyfriend and I couldn’t believe that I had just cheated on him.  I’ve tried being with someone else before but I could never be intimate with them because of my boyfriend.  I ended up telling him and we concluded that we should break up and I should just do my own thing.
  It’s only been a week since the break up but I can’t stop thinking about how badly I hurt him and how much I want things to go back to the way they were.  I talked to him over the phone a few days ago and asked if we could just be friends because I wasn’t ready to let go of him so fast yet.  He told me maybe after we’ve had some time apart then probably.  I miss him so much and my friends tell me that it’s for the best that this happened and I don’t really love him, but how would they know if they’re not in my shoes?
  I’m trying to move on because maybe it would be good that I be with someone else and not with someone who lives so far away and also 17 years older than me.  It’s just really hard, though.  A lot happened between us and I just threw it away so suddenly.
  I don’t really have a specific question but maybe there’s some advice you can give me about this whole situation?

Wow, you shared a lot so thanks for giving me the privilege to offer my insight into your situation.  First off, your friends are trying to be helpful (but they’re not) by saying things like, “It’s the best thing to happen to you” or “You didn’t really love him” when in reality, you did love him and that this break-up does feels like the worst thing to happen to you.  So let’s start by validating those feelings of loss and grief.

Since your relationship was primarily via emails, phone calls, or text messages, some people would scoff at the idea of calling this a “real relationship”.  But the truth is these relationships require even more intimacy muscles since you couldn’t see each other.  The relationship had to be built within the context of conversations, caring, and support.

You obviously feel bad for cheating on him but there’s a sense you may be taking on extra guilt by worrying over how much you “hurt” him.  Stop that.  You’re not responsible for his feelings.  He’s a grown man and will handle those feelings and issues on his own.  Speaking of which, this leads me to the real issue in this relationship.  Age.  He’s a grown man who’s 17 years older than you?!

You say age isn’t a factor in why you “fell for this guy”.  Maybe not, but I believe age was a factor in why he chose you.  Let me explain.  When you first met, you were 14 and he was 31.  He deliberately chose someone underage to talk to.  Why is that?  Well, he has experience, you do not.  He has been in adult relationships, you have not.  He knows the world, you do not.  He has the power and control, you do not.  His actions early on were all part of what’s known as “grooming” (Definition: to prepare, as for a specific position or purpose).  He was grooming you to trust him.  He was grooming you to have sex with him.  Don’t you find it unusual that it took until you were at least 18 before there was any sexual contact?  He’s no idiot, he knows the law.  If he had sex with you earlier, he would’ve put himself in jeopardy of going to prison for a sex offense.

Sadly, this is a case where he groomed you to get what he wanted.  As part of his grooming process, he lied to you.  He lied to you for four years about his age.  For four years he lied to you.  Let that sink in.  He lied to you.  He lied to you for a reason.  If he told the truth, you may have ran or called the cops.  After four years of emotional and now physical intimacy, you defend him.  You don’t know it yet but you were taken advantage of emotionally and sexually.

I’m not sure if your parents know about this but I’d start by reaching out to older people you could trust and share your story.  If not your parents, think other parents in your community, female teachers, counselors, relatives, or church leaders. You need to be protected not only from this guy but from others who may try and prey on your youth and naiveté.  I pray you find not only comfort through this experience but also wisdom so you are not manipulated again in the future.

“SEXLESS IN THE CITY”

Dear Sam,

My boyfriend and I have been together for a little more than 2 years and are literally soulmates.  We laugh and talk and never tire of each other’s company, but we’ve only had sex 4 times in 2 years.

He says he’s not a very sexual person, and in the beginning I was ok with that but lately I’m feeling more and more rejected.  Every time I’ve tried to talk to him about it, he gets upset or defensive and we inevitably break up for a few days.

He says he loves me and is attracted to me but he is less and less effusive and sometimes when I say, “I love you”, he just smiles and says, “I know”.  I love him more than anyone I’ve ever been with and want to spend the rest of my life with him.  I’m starting to wonder if there isn’t something more going on?  I’m ready to take this to the next level and get married but he isn’t ready now and doesn’t know when he will be.  Do you think I should leave him?

-“Sexless in the City”

Dear “Sexless in the City”,

While on the surface it sounds like sex is the issue, we can clearly see it is not.  This has everything to do with emotional intimacy or in your boyfriend’s case, the lack of it.  There’s no desire on his part to help you understand what’s in his head.  Could there be something going on?  Sure, he could be cheating on you, addicted to porn, or a whole host of other reasons for his sexual anorexic behavior.

But let’s not put too much focus on sex as often people confuse sex and the intensity of sex with true intimacy and love.  You’re torn because you feel you’re “soul mates” yet he doesn’t share the same values of commitment, monogamy, and a life-long relationship with you.  I believe “soul mates” have that at the very least.

My big concern is you have a boyfriend who’s unwilling to verbally acknowledge, reciprocate, or initiate his love for you.  You shouldn’t be the one always telling him, “I love you”.  It appears he’s playing you.  When he says, “I know”, that should be taken literally.  He knows you love him, need him, and are dependent on him.  He is using your emotional dependence as a form of manipulation and control.

It sounds like taking a longer break may be in order to give you a better barometer on the relationship.  I believe breaks are healthy to allow partners to come back down to equilibrium, learn to stand on their own two feet, and then decide if they still want to be together.  You must choose this relationship not because it’s based on a “need” but on a “want”.

He knows you “need” this relationship so you should ask yourself if you can move ahead with a guy who’s not interested in getting married (at least not now with you).  A mentor once shared this pearl of wisdom with me about relationships.  He posed it in a question.  Basically it was to the effect of, “If this woman never changed for the rest of her life, would you still be with her?”  In your case, if your partner  never wanted to get married, tell you he loves you, and isn’t able to meet your relational and emotional needs, would you still be with him?  This is ultimately the question you need to ask yourself in deciding whether to leave him.

“HOOKED UP, NOW WHAT?!”

Dear Sam,

I went out a couple times with a girl and we’ve hooked up so I’m not sure what it means.  She’s no longer texting or calling me as much and I feel we went too fast. What should I do?  

“Hooked-Up”

Dear “Hooked-Up”,

It sounds like you like her and want to continue seeing her but are wondering if you jeopardized the relationship by letting your hormones get the best of you.  She’s now withdrawing either because you moved too quickly or she’s no longer interested or maybe a combination of both.

I could psychoanalyze why she’s doing what she’s doing all day but why waste time?  The best advice would be to call her and talk about it.  What a concept, huh?  Talk.  Texting is not allowed here!

While you’re getting information from her, this is also an opportunity for you to grow relationally.  You could be honest and tell her as you’ve told me that you feel, “it went too fast” and see how she felt about it.  You could tell her you’d like to continue seeing her and then see what she thinks about that.  Since the situation sounds tenuous I would caution against showing any more of your “cards”.  Anything that smacks of, “let’s be boyfriend & girlfriend” may scare her away.  Remember, she’s already a bit wary of you, why give her another reason to kiss you good-bye?

“BFF WITH MY EX?”

Hey Sam, I have an ex that was my best friend before we dated. We went out for almost 2 years and were very happy together for a long time, but recently we broke up because it turned out that she cheated on me with her most recent ex.
 My question for you is not on whether I should take her back or not because she has been BEGGING me to. I have already made up my mind that I will not. Absolutely not.
Before we dated, I promised her that no matter what I would remain her best friend. But I had not expected her to ever cheat on me, as her promise was that she never would do that sort of thing to me. Do you think I should still honor my promise to her of remaining her friend despite her cheating and breaking hers? A promise is every important to me and I am proud to say that I always keep my promises.
But at the same time, I am afraid that she will use this opportunity of friendship to try and get me back, as she already has been for the past few weeks. It is extremely aggravating, and sometimes very tempting because I have still not gotten over her to be honest. She has been taking every opportunity to try and convince me to take her back. Right now, I told her that we needed some time off from each other indefinitely, and that I would not be taking her back. But I am unsure whether or not I should eventually try and be her friend again, like we were before we dated. Is there a friendship that can be salvaged?

-Promise Keeper

Dear Promise Keeper,

First off, I commend you on your desire to keep your promises. As you mentioned the question isn’t whether to take your girlfriend back rather it’s the internal struggle of staying true to your word. Do you essentially keep your word and promise to be best friends forever (BFF) with your ex or risk in your eyes losing your “promise” to her.

Before I answer your question, let’s take a slight detour. People often think their title, possessions, money, job, status, car, athletic ability, or some other talent is what defines them. But these things are just a mirage. They are transitory in nature. What stays constant is your name. Your name and everything associated with it is truly all you have in this world. Who are you as a person? What is your character? Can you be trusted? Are you a man of your word? NOTHING is more important to your reputation than your name and you must protect it by living a life of integrity and authenticity. This doesn’t mean you’re perfect, far from it, but you must have the humility to be honest with your mistakes.

O.k. back to your real-life issue. You prize staying true to your word, that much is obvious. I think this is a value that works well when it comes to in many areas of life, but what you forget is that in love and romance the rules change.

The old adage, “All’s fair in love and war” needs to be applied here. The quote generally means that there are no rules or restrictions when it comes to war and this applies equally so in the world of love. Think of the martial arts. While there may be “rules” for sparring and training, the training is to prepare your mind and heart for the unforeseen situation where you may have to fend for your life. In this situation, there are no rules. It’s about survival.

Now when it comes to love this means you can throw promises out the window without it affecting your reputation or your word. There have been times in my own relationships where promises where made or received such as, “I will never leave you”, “I want you forever”, “We will always be friends” but it’s not true. Plans change. Relationships change.

So can your friendship be salvaged? Yes, even though she’s cheated on you, I’ve seen friendships develop from this very scenario. But it only works with time apart. You need time to heal by working through the pain, hurt, and betrayal. You also need that time to reevaluate whether the relationship is even worth salvaging. Before you answer your own question, I’d suggest a long break (up to 6 months) where you ask her to give you space with no contact (FB, email, text, etc.). This in essence not only gives you time to heal but also a chance to see if she can respect your requests. If she continues to invade your space, then it’s a clear signal she can’t respect your legitimate need for time apart and thus you as a person.

I’m sorry to hear about this loss because relationships built first on friendships are so rare to find and have so much potential for depth, love, and intimacy and a renewed friendship although can succeed will take lots of effort on both parts. Only time will tell if this is worth it for you.

“WHEN LOVE IS NOT ENOUGH”

Dear Sam:

My ex-wife and mother to my two boys left me about a year ago.  At first she took the kids and refused to let me see them. Then I took her to court and got full custody of the children.  After that she decided to marry someone she had just met. 

Now she is divorcing.

 When she realized her divorce was inevitable, she called me and asked to come home and I declined.

 I want to give her another chance at being a good mother and a good partner. I am not happy dating, and I want someone in my life.  When we first met, our life was great together.  She says she loves me, but I have heard these words before.  She used to hurt us financially and most of our arguments were about money.  She also admitted that she cheated on me twice before she left.  She says she is different now.

 All of my friends and family are against this, but I love her, and my life is not the same without her.  Any advice would be appreciated.

— Single Dad who loves his ex

Dear Single Dad,

First off, “Slow down, Cowboy!”  You have a lot going on and I think it’s prudent to sit on this for a while before making any decisions.  In therapy circles, we often say no major moves (i.e. relational, geographic, or vocational) when faced with a crisis or extremely stressful situation.  In fact, we recommend the status quo for up to a year if possible just so you can make a level-headed decision and to learn to grow from the anxiety.

I can easily nitpick your ex for being impulsive and getting married to someone she just met and then divorcing him shortly thereafter.  But why go there?  She also cheated on you twice and you still want her back in your life so no need to go there either.

What I do want to help you understand is this notion of “love”.  It appears you love her and she loves you, otherwise it would be easy to just say, “sayonara”.

But you may not realize that love is not enough.  This may go against clichés you’ve heard such as, “Love Conquers All”, or “All You Need is Love” but the Beatles are wrong, you need more than love, much more.

I once read a book titled, The Seven Levels of Intimacy by Matthew Kelly that had a profound message about love and relationships.  In the book he mentions couples that thrive in their relationships must have more than common interests; they must have a common purpose:

“Common interests are not enough to build a great relationship on.  You may enjoy hiking together or traveling together, biking together or listening to live music together.  You may share a love of movies, museums, art, animals, or any number of interests that can draw people together.  But it is a mistake to think that these provide a solid foundation for a long-term relationship.  In fact, common interests can very often turn out to be a false foundation, creating the illusion of a deeper relationship than was actually present”. (From The Seven Levels of Intimacy)

In your case, you appear to have a financial purpose and plan for getting there.  Your ex has a different purpose when it comes to money.  You described her behavior as, “hurt us financially”.  Those are strong words.  It should be obvious that you two have different value systems when it comes to money and hence the never-ending arguments on that topic.

You defend your position by saying you “love” her.  But is love enough?  I don’t think so.  I’ve seen enough examples in my counseling practice and even in my own life to know that love is not enough.

In the end you, don’t follow my advice.  Instead, listen to Shakespeake.

“To thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man.”

-William Shakespeare

The quote basically means be true to who you are.  Your true self lies in your morals, convictions, values, and principles as it relates to your philosophy on life.  If you stick to that, you will find someone who will not only honor that part of you, but also help you build upon it.

FRIEND WANTS MORE THAN “BENEFITS”

Dear Sam,

My ex and I were together for just over three years, and our breakup was riddled with one childish, explosive argument after the next. About a year after our breakup, we started becoming friends again, and in the past 2 years, have gone on to be best friends.

About a year ago, we started sleeping together again. At first it was something that just happened.  Since then we’re not only having sex with great regularity (two or three times a month), but it’s the best sex we’ve ever had.

Lately, when we are together–whether it’s just hanging out watching a movie, or something more intimate, I am often finding myself wondering if we should try to start dating again, but I’m afraid that a failed attempt would destroy the friendship forever.

Do you think I should tell him how I’m feeling, or should I leave well-enough alone, enjoy the friendship and the sex without commitment?

Signed,

Friend with Benefits

Dear Friends with Benefits,

This is typical in relationships where you want a commitment but are afraid to scare him away if you verbalize your desire for one.  So what do you do?  Well, if you continue on your current path, then you’ll always be friends with benefits unless one of you brings up the subject.

Oftentimes, it’s true that drawing this line in the sand can mean the end of the relationship.  But I’ve also seen in some instances where drawing a boundary can foster a new respect from your partner.  The significance though is not with the partner but in learning to believe you are worthy of having a partner commit to you.  Sex without commitment is fraught with hurt, instability, and lingering questions as to the level of trust and intimacy that can be shared between two people.

The next time you two start fooling around, I’d suggest stopping it early and ask him where he sees this going.  You have to know what your goal is and work backwards.  If it’s commitment, then it has to be expressed so you know where he stands on this.  You may be terribly disappointed with his response but I think you’d be even more hurt if you continue this dance for another three years.  It’s time to learn that friendships have limits.

-Sam

Harmless Flirt or Harmful Behavior?

Dear Sam:

My very serious, live-in boyfriend had what I consider to be inappropriate, sex-related chats with his most recent ex early in our relationship and again while we were going through a really rough patch a few months ago. He has mentioned once or twice since we moved past the rough patch that he hopes to go visit her at some point in the future (he would spend at least one night on her couch), and that he wants me to be okay with this and trust him.

I don’t see how I’ll ever be okay with this. It hurt me deeply when I found out about these chats and he has barely acknowledged that it was wrong of him in any way, referring to it as “harmless flirting” and claiming they’d never follow through on anything.

Is this something I have to just get over?  Do I insist on being introduced to her first?  Is this an even more serious breach of trust than I’d been considering it, and should I attempt to make him see that?

-Hurt by Flirt

Dear Hurt by Flirt,

I empathize with your tough situation as your heart is obviously for this guy.  Unfortunately, there’s no such thing as “harmless flirting” with an ex.  Flirting by its definition is meant to tease, arouse, and attract attention.  The LAST thing you want to do is get introduced to the ex.  The FIRST thing you should do is set clear boundaries with your bf on what are non-negotiables in your relationship.  I think a fair and respectful boundary is to ask him to not sleep at the ex’s and to cease and desist from all sexual flirting/chatter.  It’s DISRESPECTFUL to you.  He intuitively knows it but is testing you.  If he agrees great but from the sounds of it, he won’t and will only balk at your request.

You mentioned he’s a live-in boyfriend.  I’m not sure if he’s living with you or you moved in with him.  But in either case, I think a separation will soon be in order if he can’t abide by this request.  You must remember you deserve better treatment than this.  It’s your inability to establish strong boundaries that allows him to take advantage of you.  Don’t put up with his flirting anymore or you’ll spend more time in mental anguish.  It’s time to end the flim-flamming from the flirt!

“Should I Stay or Should I Go?”

Darling you got to let me know

Should I stay or should I go?

If you say that you are mine

I’ll be here till the end of time

So you got to let me know

Should I stay or should I go?

“Should I Stay or Should I Go?”  By The Clash (1982) 

There comes a point during a serious dating relationship when we have to ask ourselves this very question, “Should I stay or should I go?”  Oftentimes, it’s because one side is less sure of the relationship than you are, yet not sure enough to end the relationship.  However when you’re beset by your partner’s ambivalence then it’s only natural for you to also wonder about staying our leaving.

This song is a poignant reminder of the tension that arises when a couple reaches that mark.  If there’s enough assurance of a partner’s commitment or in some cases a recommitment to the relationship, then it can be the catalyst for a couple flourishing into a long-lasting relationship.  If your partner can’t give you the commitment you need, then that may be the answer to your question of, “Should I stay or should I go?” 

Getting to “FBO” (Facebook Official)

In the era of Facebook, men and women in the dating world are often not satisfied until their relationships are “FBO” or  “Facebook Official”.  But before you can get to FBO, you must be officially boyfriend/girlfriend.  This means getting your dating partner to make an exclusive commitment to you.

It seems simple enough but I’m surprised by how many people are not aware of the DTR principle.  DTR stands for “defining the relationship”.  If you’re an adult in the dating relationship, you’re doomed to fail if you’re fearful of the dtr.  With clients I’ve worked with, if they do not dtr the relationship, they end up either in the platonic friend zone or if they’ve been sexual with each other can end up in the “friends with benefits” category.  The timing of the dtr talk is critical.  In this hook-up culture, young men and women have no concept of what it takes to be in a committed, exclusive relationship.  They think if they have sex, then they presume they’re in a relationship and are shocked, hurt, and confused when sex meant nothing to the other party than mere pleasure.

To understand how sex and commitment are tied together, we can look at the major religious traditions (i.e. Jewish, Christian, and Islamic faith).  In all three faiths, sex comes within the context of a marital commitment.  So as recently as our parents’ generation, the social mores of our culture dictated that people got married so they could have sex regardless of their religious background.  But in this hook-up culture where we have “friends with benefits”, you can see how the devolution of relationships has relegated sex to nothing more than a physical activity devoid of intimacy, trust, and safety within the context of any type of commitment.

So what does this mean if you don’t come from any religious background or faith tradition?  Clients feel its prudish to ask about a commitment before sex as they feel they might be “offending” the person or pressuring them into a relationship.  Why talk about it?  Why ask for a commitment?  Why make the other person uncomfortable?  It’s essential because without doing so you’ll never see how he/she feels about the relationship.

So the typical client who wants help in this area usually is a woman who had sex before requiring a commitment.  As she continues her sexual relationship, she gets more frustrated hoping the guy will bring it up.  She forgets that very few men will make a commitment to a woman whom they do not respect.  Men want to be with a woman they respect.  If you follow this line of thought, a man will not commit to a woman who can not have enough self-respect for herself to ask for a commitment before sex (this is speaking only for men who are interested in committed relationships).  No matter how nice, generous, comforting, or loving a woman is, I’ve heard of very few guys committing to a relationship if the woman didn’t require it.

Another way to think about the significance of talking about establishing a commitment before sex is to look at a popular song by John Mayer titled, “Say”.  The lyrics can be summed up as, “Say what you need to say”.  It’s simple yet powerful.  If you’re frustrated by thinking that sex means love or fidelity without any requirement of a commitment, then take heart.  Know you deserve better.  Know that there are men who are willing to make a commitment to you.  But in order to get that commitment, you must “Say what you need to Say!”

(Note: Details in this blog have been changed to protect the privacy of the individuals involved)

UNDERSTANDING MEN: WHAT SHOULD I DO?

Dear Sam: There’s a guy who likes me and we’ve gone out about seven times in two months and he’s even said “I love you” but I’m on the fence about him.  However, there’s another guy I’m attracted that I’ve been seeing but he’s in a 6 month relationship with another woman.  What should I do?

Answer:  First off, this question addresses three people (you and the two guys) with many relational dynamics that need to be sorted out.  But let’s start with you since you’re the priority here.  You need to ask yourself why are you attracted to men who should be off-limits.  It is wrong to be in this relationship.  A relationship takes two people so you alluded that he flirted with you first and you reciprocated.  I understand you were not aware he had a girlfriend until after the first few dates so you may think that gets you off the hook but this is where many men and women forget their responsibility in dating.  When you go out on those first few dates, you NEED to ask if they are currently dating other people (i.e. dating as defined as going out on dates vs. being in an exclusive relationship).  If so, you also have a right to ask if any of them are serious or and whether the other women know if he’s dating other people.  Men of some integrity should be honest enough to let a woman know if he’s dating other people or wants to date other people at some point early on.  Why is this important?  Because when you’re dating someone who hasn’t made a commitment to you yet, you need to guard your heart.  It’s unfair for you to commit emotionally to a man who’s not ready to do the same with you.

As for the cheater, he must ask himself what drives him to flirt with you and seek being in a clandestine relationship without telling you early on or his current girlfriend.  Some will say he’s just irresponsible, immoral, a liar, a pig, etc. and leave it at that.  While that all may be true there’s something deeper that most people don’t understand about men or women who always are in a relationship before moving onto another one (i.e. these people never have a period of singlehood so the relationships usually overlap one another).  Put another way, like a frog hopping from a lily pad to another lily pad, these men and women are always in a relationship to use as a secure base to launch or “jump” into a new relationship.  Why is this bad?  Well, this tells me when they’re in a relationship (possibly with you), they are willing to end it or jeopardize the current relationship for the new one.  They never allow the relationship to end naturally (i.e. things don’t work out, they don’t share same values/life goals, etc.) but instead use the new relationship to end the last one.

This type of behavior is rooted in relational insecurity that stems usually from childhood or early adulthood.  Issues of abandonment (real or perceived), lack of attention, abuse (physical, verbal, sexual), and betrayal are common.  But over-protectiveness and being extremely sheltered in childhood can also lead to a “clinging” behavior in romantic relationships that make it hard for people to end a relationship in a healthy way and grieve the loss before moving on.  At its core, the deepest fear of being abandoned, alone, and without help cries out from their souls and is manifested in behaviors that will keep them from ever experiencing or re-experiencing that type of fear.

As for why you’re on the fence with the guy who’s single and said, “I love you” during your early dating encounters, it may simply be your not attracted to a guy who expresses that level of intimacy at the WRONG time.  I agree, it came prematurely.  Let’s call this premature ejaculation of the mouth.  Don’t say things that should come later in the relationship.  Wait until you’re in an EXCLUSIVE relationship before even thinking of mouthing these words.  Remember, your goal is to be IN a relationship, not to scare the girl out of one.

(Note: Details in this blog have been changed to protect the privacy of the individuals involved)