Dear Sam,

I’m a little confused. Or not really. Maybe I’m crazy?
 Anyway I was in an online/long distance relationship with my ex boyfriend for five years.  We met when I was 14 and he told me he was 20ish at the time.  I’m 19 now and a year ago I found out he is much older than he said he was 35.
  I broke up with him and then took him back because the age thing wasn’t really a factor in why I fell for this guy.  I met him in person back in February for the first time and we had a great time together and I even lost my virginity to him.  We could talk about normal things and he didn’t just want sex from me.  He really respected me and loved me.  There were times that I would ask myself if he could be married or have kids but I just figured if he didn’t, why would he waste so much time talking to me.
  We always talked about the future and how he didn’t want to hold me back and that I should go out and get the college experience with other guys and whatnot but I told him I didn’t want anyone else so I stayed with him.  I went to visit him a few weeks ago and it was the best time of my life.  I told him I could see myself moving to be with him and spending the rest of my life with him.
  During Thanksgiving break I went back home and I had planned this date a few weeks before I visited my boyfriend and I went on the date and things happened.  The new guy and I hooked up but afterwards I cried about it and even though it may sound silly to cry, I didn’t cry because the guy made me cry.  It was because I realized how much I loved my boyfriend and I couldn’t believe that I had just cheated on him.  I’ve tried being with someone else before but I could never be intimate with them because of my boyfriend.  I ended up telling him and we concluded that we should break up and I should just do my own thing.
  It’s only been a week since the break up but I can’t stop thinking about how badly I hurt him and how much I want things to go back to the way they were.  I talked to him over the phone a few days ago and asked if we could just be friends because I wasn’t ready to let go of him so fast yet.  He told me maybe after we’ve had some time apart then probably.  I miss him so much and my friends tell me that it’s for the best that this happened and I don’t really love him, but how would they know if they’re not in my shoes?
  I’m trying to move on because maybe it would be good that I be with someone else and not with someone who lives so far away and also 17 years older than me.  It’s just really hard, though.  A lot happened between us and I just threw it away so suddenly.
  I don’t really have a specific question but maybe there’s some advice you can give me about this whole situation?

Wow, you shared a lot so thanks for giving me the privilege to offer my insight into your situation.  First off, your friends are trying to be helpful (but they’re not) by saying things like, “It’s the best thing to happen to you” or “You didn’t really love him” when in reality, you did love him and that this break-up does feels like the worst thing to happen to you.  So let’s start by validating those feelings of loss and grief.

Since your relationship was primarily via emails, phone calls, or text messages, some people would scoff at the idea of calling this a “real relationship”.  But the truth is these relationships require even more intimacy muscles since you couldn’t see each other.  The relationship had to be built within the context of conversations, caring, and support.

You obviously feel bad for cheating on him but there’s a sense you may be taking on extra guilt by worrying over how much you “hurt” him.  Stop that.  You’re not responsible for his feelings.  He’s a grown man and will handle those feelings and issues on his own.  Speaking of which, this leads me to the real issue in this relationship.  Age.  He’s a grown man who’s 17 years older than you?!

You say age isn’t a factor in why you “fell for this guy”.  Maybe not, but I believe age was a factor in why he chose you.  Let me explain.  When you first met, you were 14 and he was 31.  He deliberately chose someone underage to talk to.  Why is that?  Well, he has experience, you do not.  He has been in adult relationships, you have not.  He knows the world, you do not.  He has the power and control, you do not.  His actions early on were all part of what’s known as “grooming” (Definition: to prepare, as for a specific position or purpose).  He was grooming you to trust him.  He was grooming you to have sex with him.  Don’t you find it unusual that it took until you were at least 18 before there was any sexual contact?  He’s no idiot, he knows the law.  If he had sex with you earlier, he would’ve put himself in jeopardy of going to prison for a sex offense.

Sadly, this is a case where he groomed you to get what he wanted.  As part of his grooming process, he lied to you.  He lied to you for four years about his age.  For four years he lied to you.  Let that sink in.  He lied to you.  He lied to you for a reason.  If he told the truth, you may have ran or called the cops.  After four years of emotional and now physical intimacy, you defend him.  You don’t know it yet but you were taken advantage of emotionally and sexually.

I’m not sure if your parents know about this but I’d start by reaching out to older people you could trust and share your story.  If not your parents, think other parents in your community, female teachers, counselors, relatives, or church leaders. You need to be protected not only from this guy but from others who may try and prey on your youth and naiveté.  I pray you find not only comfort through this experience but also wisdom so you are not manipulated again in the future.